My last few blog posts have highlighted the struggle of having sick children – because that has been my reality lately. It is easiest for me to write about the things that are currently happening in life. God is faithful to speak to us as we journey along. I feel most inspired to write about the raw, and fresh truths that God is teaching me.
I realize that as I have been sharing, I have kept the fertility portion more hidden. I have no problem with being transparent, especially when it comes to fertility, but as I have blogged, I have sought to leave the lessons learned more general because I firmly believe that the truth God offers transcends so many of life circumstances. I know that not everyone who will read these posts has experienced infertility. This post, however, is straight from the heart of the one who is trying to conceive.
In all of the latest sickness and mental challenges therein, I have found my heart wandering a bit off its normal course. I have allowed my mind to imagine what life would be like if we did not have any more children. For so long, I have stopped my mind from wandering down that road because I felt like I would be betraying my desire or feeding doubt that my desire would come true. However, lately, I have begun to imagine life as a family of 4, no more.
As I have done so, the realization that life can be good, whether things go my way or not, has been very freeing. Having a deep desire creates an inevitable mental picture for the future. Willing yourself to create a different possible mental picture brings the liberty to embrace something different. The “different” that you free yourself to welcome is not a specific picture, it is the freedom to embrace different in whatever form it comes. It is the liberation from the constricting hold that the specific desire has had.
As I imagined life as a family of four, I was not trying to pretend that I did not want another child. I was not trying to convince myself of all the reasons to not have another (although feeling nauseous for no good reason did not make me want to have to endure that in pregnancy). I was, however, choosing to look at the positives of having a different scenario play out.
For example, we have taken the 13 hour trek to South Carolina more than a handful of times. All of those times, we have had at least one little one in tow. This trip, despite sickness, was the easiest by way of travel in the car. Our youngest is over 3 years old and able to reason relatively well, which helps when the “are we there, yet” question surfaces. As our children continue to grow and mature, this kind of travel will get easier. Having little ones (2 and under) in tow is a lot more demanding than having children that are slightly older. I’m not going to lie, it was kind of nice. We have been parents for just over 7 years now. We have been in the thick of parenting little ones and have been surrounded by friends in the thick of parenting little ones. Imagining life without little arms and mouths that demand so much physical attention was something we had not been able to picture. Until now.
All of this dreaming and imagining has served to show me that it is easy to get very wrapped up in life circumstances, especially when life circumstances are challenging. Yet, there is hope. Things change. We enter new seasons. Each season has its own set of joys and hardships and purpose.
I feel like, at this point, our path marked “children” is a lot like the weather in Michigan. I do not know whether or not we are entering a new season or if the old season will continue for a little while. I still hope that we get to hold another little bundle of joy in our arms, but at the same time, I am willing to embrace a new season if God says it is time. In the mean time, I am going to make the most of whatever “weather” I am experiencing and stay committed to not complaining about it. We have some big decisions coming up when it comes to pursuing fertility treatments. I will blog more about that tomorrow.