“The” Talk

“Mommy…I really want Suzy (our new horse) to have a baby.”

Me:  “Maybe next year.”

Alliyah:  “Next year?”  (says with a hopeful tone)

Me:  “Well, she won’t have a baby next year, but maybe we will breed her next year.”

Alliyah:  “What’s breed?”

Me:  “To make her get pregnant.”

Alliyah:  “How do we make her get pregnant?”

Me:  (Stifling a smile)  “Well, we have to find her a boy horse.”

Alliyah:  “Huh?”  (completely puzzled look on her face)

I am not joking.  That was the exact conversation I had with Alliyah a little over a week ago.  I was no longer successful at hiding my smile once she got that puzzled look on her face and said, “huh?”  I tried to change the subject and walk out of the room claiming it was bedtime.  I sat down at the computer to quickly type out our little interaction because I knew it would serve as a great illustration some day.  I had the first word typed and she came up to me.

“Mommy?  Why do we need a boy horse to have a baby?”

Me:  (smiling pretty big with a huge belly laugh waiting to escape)  “How about I tell you later.”

…then feeling like I did not want her to think there was some great secret, I threw in, “That’s just the way God made it.  You need a boy and a girl to make a baby.”

As she’s walking out of the room, she says, “That just does not make sense.”  (holding one finger in the air on her right hand and one on her left, then brings them together.)  “A boy (right finger) and a girl (left finger) don’t make a baby.”

Obviously, she is missing a middle piece there.  The “S” word.  If she knew about sex, the dots would have connected a little easier.

As a parent, I do not think you are ever really ready to have “the” talk with your kid.  It usually comes up completely out of the blue as it that tonight.  I am honestly not afraid to talk to Allliyah about sex, but I have a little trepidation about knowing just how much information to disclose at a time.  I think all parents share that trepidation; however, some parents never persevere and learn how to navigate those waters successfully.  The kids are then left to “just figure it out.”

At a youth group gathering about a year ago, Todd and I decided to split the group up with girls and guys separate so that we could talk to them about purity.  We were just getting to know the students, so we really did not know where they stood on an issue like purity.  We asked them if they had any questions about sex (in case their parents had not opened that door for discussion).  We were surprised to find that the only real question they had was, “Why should I wait?”

These were kids who, for the most part, were growing up in loving, Jesus-following homes, and they could not come up with an answer for why they should wait to have sex until they are married.  Let’s be honest, it is a tough question.

Why, sons and daughters, should you wait to have sex until you are married?  I am going to try my hardest to answer that question.

You should wait to have sex because sex is a very personal and intimate thing.  Do you really want to share that with someone who has not made a commitment to love you and cherish you for their entire life?  Do you want to risk uniting your body with someone who will later go and unite their body with another?  How would you feel about being the mistress, the woman who unites herself to another woman’s husband?  How would you feel about looking that woman in the face, knowing what you have done?  How would you feel about sleeping with another man’s wife?  Could you shake that man’s hand, knowing that you have violated his marriage?  Having sex before you are married is the equivalent of committing adultery if you do not end up marrying each other because you have shared something so intimate with someone else’s spouse.

You only have one heart, do you want to hand a piece of it to someone who can not give it back, even if they were willing?  You see, sex in not just a physical act.  Satan has lied to us.  He has led a very convincing campaign to desensitize us and cause us to be blind to a spiritual reality that takes place when we physically unite our bodies with another.  Once two people have united physically, they have become one.  How, then, do you imagine you will be able to think clearly enough about your relationship to evaluate whether or not this person is really the person you want to spend your forever on earth with?  It is like trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your right arm -it is a part of you.  You can not see clear enough to decide if they are really what is best for you.

Why should you wait to have sex?  To protect yourself.  To protect your boyfriend or girlfriend (or someone’s future spouse).  To protect your future marriage.  To keep your mind free and clear.

I sit here and wonder how I could make the case any clearer, any more compelling.  The reality is that sex is alluring, intriguing, and appealing.  Many (if not most) of you who are reading this fell prey to its snare and you have had to deal with the negative impacts of having sex before you were married.  I have not met a single Jesus person who fell prey to this temptation who could say in honesty, “I am glad I did it.”

If this is you, I wonder if you would be willing to speak out about it.  Would you be willing to share with those younger than you why you wish you would have waited?  Hindsight is always 20/20.  We wish we knew then what we know now.  If you are willing to share, you may spare someone the pain of dealing with a troubled marriage (trouble in their sex life and their emotional health).  You may spare someone the pain of dealing with a surprise pregnancy and the choices therein.  You may spare someone from acquiring a disease that will plague them the rest of their lives.

If this is you, if you are the one in the position to share the “I learned the hard way,” then I believe God has some tender words for you.

Too many times, we enter into a situation that we know is “wrong,” but the draw is stronger than the resolve to avoid the situation.  Sex is only one of those situations.  Thankfully, we are offered grace.

It really is true.  We are offered forgiveness, no matter what our transgression.  And that is good news.

I only wish that we did not have to still deal with the natural consequences of our choices.  God offers us a clean slate, but often times our choices have messed up the slate of others, and they, human as they are, are not able to wipe the slate clean as God is able to do.

If this is you, I want to pray for you from the bottom of my heart.  It may feel impersonal to read this prayer from someone who may not know you that well, but I believe this prayer packs the power of the Kingdom of Heaven.  This prayer carries the power, through the Holy Spirit, to set you free from guilt.  It carries the power to guide you toward reconciliation with the Father, and with others.  The Lord knows who you are and he knows the depths of your heart.

I pray these words with the greatest amount of love possible and an abundance of hope for your freedom.

Jesus, it is amazing that you willingly stand between us and the Father.  You willingly take the fall for all of our bad choices.  You say to the Father, blame me instead of them, and thus, our slates are clean.  We stand before the Father, no longer condemned, but as those who have no fault (Romans 8:1).  It truly is amazing.  THANK YOU.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving us so deeply.  May your love compel us to follow you.  May your love compel us to make choices that please you.  May we trust deep down that you  give us guidelines because you really do know best.  May we walk in the freedom that you bought for us.  Free us from the bondage of guilt over the past.  Lead us to walk daily in freedom.  

You promise to redeem our past and use it for good (Joel 2:25, Romans 8:28).  Help us to truly accept your forgiveness.  Free us from the negative affects of our sexual sin.  Help us to deeply accept your forgiveness, a forgiveness that gives us a clean slate.  

Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

In case I did a poor job making a case for why you should wait until marriage to have sex, here is how God says, “Wait!!”:

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.  You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.”  The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?  Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?  Never!  Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?  For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”  But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.  Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:12-20).

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