I received an email yesterday, that if legit, has the power to shake things up a bit. I won’t go into the details just yet, but I will perk your curiosity by saying that it made me cry, made me ponder, and revealed some hidden places in my heart.
In my pondering and wondering, I have discovered that I possess this reckless hope. Reckless is not usually a positive adjective. In fact, it might be the opposite of self-control. Recklessness does not regard its surroundings. It does not consider the outcome of its actions. Recklessness blazes forward without thinking it through. Reckless is the best word I can use to describe this HOPE that I possess.
I have a stubborn hope that refuses to relent, even when I might experience more peace if it did. If you’ve read any of my blog posts, then you know that I have desired another child for quite some time. Every month, I hold out this stubborn hope that I will be pregnant, even when all the signs are pointing toward an answer of “No,” for this month. It does not matter how much I argue with myself, I can not shake this hope.
Having hope, without a fulfillment of that hope, is exhausting. Therefore, I find myself wanting to know when this journey will conclude. I want to KNOW what the answers are. I just want to have matters settled.
I have matured a lot over the last few years of dealing with infertility. Any anxiety I feel as I wait for answers is no longer because I am holding on to a particular outcome. Now I feel anxious because I do not KNOW. I do not know how to move forward and that makes me anxious. If the outcome is not what I want (I am not pregnant), I really am okay with that. There is no anxiety there. The anxiety comes from not knowing. Once I know, either “yes” or “no,” I am good. This is true for me in any circumstance.
This email that I received has nothing to do with pregnancy or children, but it has to do with something else that is dear to my heart. Thus, I find myself just wanting to KNOW. I want to know what God is up to. I want to know what he is going to do.
I really trust God. I stubbornly believe that he is good. Therefore, although my world might get shaken up a bit, I am a little excited. There is a very real possibility that in the shaking, I may have to shed some more tears. I may have to say goodbye or hello. I have this crazy mix of sadness and hope and wonder.
Somehow when our world is shaking as if we were inside a snow globe (appropriate analogy this winter), there is a peace we can have. We are, after all, glued down inside our little globe – if you will allow me to take the analogy a little further. If you have a hope that is rooted in Jesus, everything around you might lift off the ground and swirl around, but eventually it settles. All the loose ends do not usually land in the same place, but they land, and the picture gets clearer again. Sometimes God changes the landscape, but you can always trust that he will sculpt something beautiful – beauty from ashes.
Reckless hope does not waver when circumstances change.
I do not think we are called to self-control, when it is regarding hope. Reckless hope is what we have modeled for us many times over in the Bible. It is reckless hope that motivated the disciples to pray for the sick and see miraculous healing. Reckless hope led Jesus to the cross, where he was tortured and burdened with the sin of mankind. Reckless hope caused a man to leave his home and all things familiar for the hope of a future written by his Maker (Abraham). Reckless hope caused a man to take only 300 men against 120,000 men in battle (Gideon).
The Bible is full of this reckless hope – a hope that has no regard for its surroundings. It blazes forward, not caring about what makes sense to the human mind. It cares about what makes sense in the mind of the One who rules the world (Is. 55).
A word of caution: I do not think we are supposed to ACT like reckless hope acts, unless we are motivated by love and led by the Spirit of God. We would be foolish to disregard our circumstances and blaze forward with our own agendas. However, sometimes God leads us down paths that do not make sense. Whether the path looks clear or foggy, Reckless Hope can be our companion if we let it.
It is an adventure. I cling to the One who hold the future. I trust His goodness, regardless of circumstances. I trust a God who is not predictable. I trust a God who knows my heart and has things planned to do in me and through me. I trust these things even when there are no answers.
Though there may be no answers today, I am excited for tomorrow. Though tomorrow may bring sorrow, I am hopeful because I serve a God who sees me, loves me, and is walking with me.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a] to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.