So a few people have asked me how I am doing in lieu of the fact that I had a massive garage sale last weekend where I sold all of my baby/kid stuff. That’s right. I made the decision to let it all go. Let it go, let it go…don’t hold it back any more… Sorry, I can’t get the song out of my head.
I decided to take a moment to record my feelings about letting it all go.
How am I doing? That’s a fantastic question. The answer really depends on when I am asked. The majority of the time, I am doing fine. At times, I have gotten teary-eyed. At times I have been excited and relieved. Usually, both sides of the emotions are present at the exact same time, yet somehow I am at peace.
This has been the weirdest journey for me thus far in my 33 years. On one hand, I am excited about the unknown future that lay ahead. On the other hand, I am a little sad that God’s plans for my life may look different than the ones I had painted in my head. Gradually but steadily, I am moving to a place of embracing my family of four with thankfulness and without the longing for more.
The thing is, I really do not know what is going to happen. It is entirely possible that I will still get pregnant, but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen. I am moving on, letting it go.
A couple years ago, I never could’ve imagined being where I am right now. I hoped I would be at a place where I would be okay if God chose to keep us as a family of four, but I could not imagine facing that reality without at least a tinge of sadness. I just could not picture how it would look. I trusted that God would get me there if I needed to, but I just could not imagine being okay with not having another child.
It is always hard to imagine yourself completely surrendered about something until God brings you along in that journey and one day you realize what a good work He has done in you.
I can tell you that I am genuinely okay if I do not have another child. It feels weird to admit that. In some ways, it feels like a betrayal of the war of emotions I have fought over the years. Do I still want another child? Yes. Absolutely, yes. I would be ecstatic to find out I was pregnant. At the same time, if it never happens, I can see a joy-filled, peace-filled life ahead. That makes me very thankful and makes me stand in awe of a God who is the only one who could’ve accomplished this heart-altering work.
How did I get to this place? I do not know exactly. I know that I have pressed into God whenever I have been confused and sad and the longing for another child has threatened to overtake me. I know that I told him that I wanted to be surrendered in my heart in this area (and all areas), but I have also told him that I did not know how to surrender this desire. By God’s grace, I have chosen to die to myself and celebrate with others who have received what I have wanted. By God’s grace, I have had genuine joy and excitement with them and for them.
These are all things I know I have done, but honestly, I think the path to freedom on which I now stand truly began when I chose to imagine a future without my desire fulfilled. At first, it felt altogether wrong to imagine what life might be like if God only intended to give us our son and daughter. I really felt like I was cheating on my desire for a child. In a way, I was. But that was a good thing. I was allowing my heart to not be so committed to MY desire in order to leave space for God to bring in other desires and fill me with himself. By simply imagining life without my desire fulfilled, the chains of that desire were loosened, leaving me free to dream with God about the future instead of telling God what I wanted the future to look like. God has never asked us to hold so tightly to our desires that we can not be moved.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
I definitely used to read this verse as a cause and effect kind of promise. IF I delight in God, he will give me what I want. I have learned that I was spot on; however, I didn’t realize that as I delighted in God, truly delighted in God, the desire of my heart would change. I wasn’t guaranteed to get what I wanted before delighting in God (another child). Instead, HE would become the desire of my heart, and therefore, my desire would always be fulfilled. If you delight yourself in God, he becomes the desire of your heart. There is not way around it. He is just that good. You want more of him. When you have tasted the goodness of God and are able to delight yourself in all that he is, there really isn’t anything else you want or need.
I still want another child, but I will not feel like I am missing out on something if our family is complete as a family of four. I am pretty sure that statement sounds a little contradictory, but somehow it is 100% accurate. I am at peace with the contradictory-ness of it all.
That’s where I am at. I am not sure I communicated it clearly, but basically, I am good. I am hopeful about the future, content in the present, and peaceful about the past. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I have let it go.