Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment 04 Oct 2015

Confession:  I have been avoiding you.  Please don’t take this personally.  I haven’t been avoiding YOU.  I have been avoiding the collective you – all.  I have not blogged for a very long time.  (I just realized I have only blogged twice in the past year)  I have had a million blog ideas swirling around in my head for months, many started and left open in a browser window, but I have not sat down and completed anything.  I have been avoiding it.  Why?


I had ideas in my head of what I needed to do if I were to commit to this blogging thing.  I would need to blog every day, or every other day, or at least once a week.  Committing to any sort of frequency overwhelms me.


I will admit that I am extremely slow on the draw when it comes to social media.  I have never Snapchatted.  I have Twitter and Linked-In accounts, but honestly don’t remember the last time I looked at either.  I only recently learned that Periscope exists and I am sure there are a myriad of other cool, creative ways to stay in touch with people that I have zero clue about.  I have never been the social butterfly in real life, so the idea of flitting around in cyberspace has never really appealed to me.  I remember life without the internet.  It was simpler.  I like simple.


Yet here I am, on the computer, contemplating about sending my musings out into the vast unknown of the internet.  I am not techie, so the whole concept of the internet utterly amazes me.  Somehow I will type these words out and post them on a webpage (that my cousin had to build for me and another friend had to set up on his server) and then the whole world could see it if they want to.


The whole world.


The chances of someone in India or Australia or China or Chile reading these words is slim because the people there do not even know I exist.  I am anonymous to them.  I am kind of okay with that.


I know a few of you can relate to those times when you are walking through the store, and you just want to be anonymous.  You do not want to see anyone you know, talk to anyone, or be derailed from your purpose.  You just want to get into the store, get what you need and get out.  Am I alone here?


On these anonymous days, I am usually tired, depressed, or overwhelmed.  I just don’t want to put forth any more effort than I am already exerting to survive the day in and day out of every day.  I am introverted, but I am not shy.  There is a misconception that the two go hand in hand.  There is also the misconception that introverts don’t really like people.  Both are equally false.  The only sticking point here is that introverts get tired being around people too much.  Therefore, if I feel weak when I head out into public, the last thing I want to do is exert more energy.


This morning I felt God forcing me (in a you-still-have-a-choice way) to go “public.”  I read these words this morning and they were enough to literally force me out from under my cozy blanket on the couch to sit on a backless stool at the computer:


“When mankind was barely on the earth, God gave them one command:  be fruitful and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28).


If you know me at all (which I am assuming you do if you are reading this blog) or you have read any of my other blogs, then you know that my wrestle with this verse in the past would have a lot to do with infertility.  God says, “Be fruitful.  Multiply.”  God, I am trying here.  Why aren’t you helping us do our part in filling the earth?  We really want more children…  And so the often one-sided conversation would go.


Here I am, probably at the end of my personal wrestle with the demon of infertility.  So why did this verse stir so much in me?  God gave me a vision as I read it.  While I may enjoy writing, I rarely get a mental picture in my head, and I am not the best at painting those pictures in words, but I will try.


This world is so full of brokenness, sadness, hurt, and sin.  It is overwhelming.  Mass shootings, sex slavery, racial tension, orphans, refugees, hate, self-promoting opinions, divorce…I could go on, and that is depressing.  There is so much darkness in our world.  When God says to “fill the earth,” he gave me a picture of literally taking up more space on the earth.  That the essence of my existence on earth, would actually take up and fill up space on this planet, crowding out the darkness.  Picture the Genie in Aladdin who fills the cave with his presence, yet lives in a tiny lamp.


You see, God lives in me.  He lives in every person who has accepted Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross.  His glory shines out of us and fills the earth.  When we are willing to let him shine, his glory increases and takes over those places of darkness.  He fills the space that darkness used to occupy.


Darkness flees.  Light remains.


That’s a big deal.  It makes me want to puff my shoulders and stand a little taller.  So I am committing to blogging.  I make no promises about the frequency, but I will get here as often as I am able so that I can play a tiny part in pushing back the darkness and filling the earth with his light.  I may be weak when I head out into “public,” but I will try to engage, just as I would like to try to engage with the cashier at the store, even on my not-so-good days.


I like to write.  Writing is a good way for me to process the areas that God is at work in me.  I like to share how God is working and helping me to figure things out because I know that we are all trying to figure things out together.  If I can save someone a lot of work (mental energy) by laying it all out there or providing a framework with which to build something new, I am all in.


Some day, I may invest some energy in figuring out how I need to “market” this website so that people outside my little world may benefit from this “anonymous” writer from Michigan.  (If anyone else wants to help with that part, I am accepting any and all suggestions, tips, and help)


I have zero interest in promoting myself or making a name for myself.  I am happy to be anonymous, or unknown to many.  I do, however, have a passion to see HIS NAME be infamous and great.  I ardently want to see his light fill the earth and subdue (overcome, bring under control, conquer) it, especially in each of your lives.


If you know someone who would be encouraged by these blogs, please consider sharing, or snap chatting, or tweeting, or going totally old-school and printing it out to give to someone.


Much love.

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