Have you ever opened a clam shell and found a pearl inside?  I haven’t, but I imagine it is quite the experience as you open this rather ugly-looking shell in hopes that something beautiful and valuable is nestled inside. Did you know that pearls are formed as “a defense mechanism against a potentially threatening irritant such as a parasite inside the shell, or an attack from outside.” (thank you, Wikipedia)  Isn’t that what faith in God’s truth is:  a defense mechanism against a potentially threatening irritant or attack (Satan)?  Faith is called the “shield” because it blocks and defends against the blows the enemy dishes that are meant to take us out (Ephesians 6).   Well-meaning christians sometimes take the time to offer their shields when ours are looking a little tattered and dented.  I am afraid, though, that so much of the things we christians say to each other (christianese) are like clam shells.  The beauty and the prizes are being handed out left and right, but unless you are willing to pry the thing open to find the hidden gem, what you have been given is useless and even kinda ugly.   I metaphorically opened a clam shell this week and found a treasure far more valuable than any pearl.  I had a clam shell handed to me this week that really set me free regarding how to handle unmet desires.  Initially, the truth that was shared was a little irritating and felt like the “christian thing” to say until God opened my eyes to see the pearl hidden inside.   I shared with a dear, Jesus-following woman about my desire for a child.  I gave her insight into the depth of this desire.   After sharing, she asked me, “Do you trust the Father?”   Not wanting to answer too quickly (and trying to decide in my mind if I really did), I answered, “Yes, I do.”  And I meant it will all my heart.  So I sat and waited, hoping that she would say the thing that finally helped me cross this mountain to where[…]

Honesty and Understanding

Trying to put into words what the heart is feeling is challenging.  Every time that I sit down to pour my heart into a blog, I expect it to go quickly.  I have already given so much thought to the subject, so I expect that I will be able to easily put those thoughts into words.  Unfortunately, that is not often the case.  It usually takes a few hours (5 hours today) before I am ready to hit “publish” on a rather short blog.   After I have written my thoughts, I go back and re-read the words, and I find myself trying very hard to imagine how someone will feel reading these words.  I want to be certain that I am clear, and I do not want my heart to be misunderstood.   So I read and re-read what I have written, making changes in hopes that it is engaging and has a good point.  I wonder who will read my words and what impact they will have.  I pray it will be worth your time to read and will have a positive impact in you and your world.   Sometimes I do wonder how God can use these blogs, but then I remember that he is the Truth-teller and the Master Gardener.  He grabs truth where ever He sees it and he plants it into our lives in order to produce life.   He takes what is offered and makes the most possible “life” come from it.  Every year I am completely amazed that food I can eat comes from me taking an afternoon to put tiny seeds into the dirt and manure of my garden.  I am equally amazed that what grows up out of my manure (my sin, junk and dysfunction) can offer energy and strength to anyone else.  I think I still wonder about whether this whole writing thing is a calling from God…   Somewhere along the way, I have come to grips with the fact that I like to write.  I really have not always enjoyed writing.  As I have gotten older and[…]

“The” Talk

“Mommy…I really want Suzy (our new horse) to have a baby.”   Me:  “Maybe next year.”   Alliyah:  “Next year?”  (says with a hopeful tone)   Me:  “Well, she won’t have a baby next year, but maybe we will breed her next year.”   Alliyah:  “What’s breed?”   Me:  “To make her get pregnant.”   Alliyah:  “How do we make her get pregnant?”   Me:  (Stifling a smile)  “Well, we have to find her a boy horse.”   Alliyah:  “Huh?”  (completely puzzled look on her face)   I am not joking.  That was the exact conversation I had with Alliyah a little over a week ago.  I was no longer successful at hiding my smile once she got that puzzled look on her face and said, “huh?”  I tried to change the subject and walk out of the room claiming it was bedtime.  I sat down at the computer to quickly type out our little interaction because I knew it would serve as a great illustration some day.  I had the first word typed and she came up to me.   “Mommy?  Why do we need a boy horse to have a baby?”   Me:  (smiling pretty big with a huge belly laugh waiting to escape)  “How about I tell you later.”   …then feeling like I did not want her to think there was some great secret, I threw in, “That’s just the way God made it.  You need a boy and a girl to make a baby.”   As she’s walking out of the room, she says, “That just does not make sense.”  (holding one finger in the air on her right hand and one on her left, then brings them together.)  “A boy (right finger) and a girl (left finger) don’t make a baby.”   Obviously, she is missing a middle piece there.  The “S” word.  If she knew about sex, the dots would have connected a little easier.   As a parent, I do not think you are ever really ready to have “the” talk with your kid.  It usually comes up completely out of the[…]


Sound spelling (encouraging kids to have the freedom to write words without worrying if they are spelled correctly) is a beautiful thing.  It gives you insight into how a kid hears words that are spoken.  A couple weeks ago, I came across a piece of artwork that my daughter was working on and it made me smile instantly.  I think you can see the irony with me. Misspelling the word “perfect” is a lot like misspelling the word “Failure.”  It is living proof that perfection has been alluded.  Want to know a secret?  I am okay with that.  I am okay with not being perfect.  I try my hardest to do things well, but at the end of the day, I am okay with not being the best as long as I felt good about my effort.  Do I want to be perfect?  Depends.  It depends on whose standard of perfection.   So I took a personality test online to see if I am a “type A” person.  This is the personality type that is known for perfectionism.  I have had several people over the years assume that I have a type A personality, and it has always bothered me because I do not think of myself as a type A person.  I wondered why people thought that.  I literally googled “What is a type A personality?” just before writing this blog because I thought maybe I had the wrong definition in my mind.  My search confirmed that I am not a type A person, and the test confirmed it, too.   However, apparently I must give off the impression that I am someone I am not.  I even had one friend argue with me about it.  She made a statement about how I have a type A personality, and I stopped her and said, “What?  You think I have a type A personality?”  Her response was, “Oh yeah.  Of course.”  I was incredulous.  She started listing things like, “Don’t you have to be organized?”  Me:  “No…I would like to be, but have you seen my house?”  Her:  “Like your[…]

Hope Happens

Yesterday, I found myself saying the phrase, “I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”  After the words left my mouth, I thought about the ridiculousness of that phrase.  I am trying not to get my hopes up?  Can you really do that?  Can you actually prevent your hopes from soaring?  When signs are pointing toward to fulfillment of a desire, can you actually stop yourself from getting hopeful?  I really do not think so.  Hope happens.   When I said that phrase, here’s what I think I was trying to say, “I am super hopeful that this will work out, but I am trying to keep my thoughts and heart in check.”  In other words, I do not want to put the cart before the horse.  I want to be prepared if what I hope for does not happen.   What I now find myself sitting and wondering is:  is this biblical?  Is being prepared for disappointment in alignment with the heart of God?   God calls us to be people who have faith.  God defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).   It appears that God encourages us to have our hopes up.  Have confidence.  Have assurance that what you do not currently have will be yours.  The important question is:  Is He encouraging confidence and assurance about _______ ?  (Fill in the blank with whatever current desire you have)   People often say to one another, “You just have to have faith-” implying that if you want something bad enough, you can almost wish it into being.  The problem with this line of thinking is that it encourages us to have faith in a specific outcome rather than encouraging us to have faith in the One who holds all of our outcomes in the palm of his hand.   Like all of the verses in the Bible, we can not take this one verse and isolate it and mold it to fit our thinking.  We can not hold tightly to a desire and say, “I[…]

Welcome to!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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