04 Oct 2015 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

Confession:  I have been avoiding you.  Please don’t take this personally.  I haven’t been avoiding YOU.  I have been avoiding the collective you – all.  I have not blogged for a very long time.  (I just realized I have only blogged twice in the past year)  I have had a million blog ideas swirling around in my head for months, many started and left open in a browser window, but I have not sat down and completed anything.  I have been avoiding it.  Why?   I had ideas in my head of what I needed to do if I were to commit to this blogging thing.  I would need to blog every day, or every other day, or at least once a week.  Committing to any sort of frequency overwhelms me.   I will admit that I am extremely slow on the draw when it comes to social media.  I have never Snapchatted.  I have Twitter and Linked-In accounts, but honestly don’t remember the last time I looked at either.  I only recently learned that Periscope exists and I am sure there are a myriad of other cool, creative ways to stay in touch with people that I have zero clue about.  I have never been the social butterfly in real life, so the idea of flitting around in cyberspace has never really appealed to me.  I remember life without the internet.  It was simpler.  I like simple.   Yet here I am, on the computer, contemplating about sending my musings out into the vast unknown of the internet.  I am not techie, so the whole concept of the internet utterly amazes me.  Somehow I will type these words out and post them on a webpage (that my cousin had to build for me and another friend had to set up on his server) and then the whole world could see it if they want to.   The whole world.   The chances of someone in India or Australia or China or Chile reading these words is slim because the people there do not even know I exist.  I am anonymous to them.  I am kind of okay with that.   I know a few of you can relate to those times when you are…

Chicken Soup

16 Sep 2014 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility, Motherhood, Quest for Contentment

  Everyone knows that chicken noodle soup is a good food to eat if you are trying to acclimate your body back to the land of eating after your body has involuntarily been purging everything you have put in it.  There is something about chicken noodle soup that brings good nourishment to a weak body.   My son, Joshua, got sick over the weekend and has been laying on the couch watching movies for the last couple days.  Today it seems like he is almost back to normal.  As I sat and watched him finish the last of his chicken noodle soup, I was reminded of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books.  These books are filled with real stories of real people.  Right then, I realized why the authors named those books after the miracle soup.  There is something medicinal found in hearing another person’s story.  It does not matter if your story mirrors the other.  Encouragement and hope can be found in sharing in another’s suffering, their joy, their perseverance, and their triumph.  The stories of God’s people can bring nourishment to your own soul as you realize that the same author is writing a story in your life – a different story, a unique story, but a story with the same trust-worthy God as the Author.   It is with that sentiment that I hope my story helps you trust deeper in the unchanging God of the universe, brings you hope, and encourages you to persevere through whatever trial you are facing.   Here is a blog post I wrote a couple months ago and feel the time has come to share:   This is a blog post I really did not think I would write.   I am surprised.  I am shocked.  I did not think I would be where I am now.   As many of you know, Todd and I have spent the last 4.5 years (since Joshua’s birth) hoping that we would have a 3rd child.  I can vividly remember holding Joshua in the hospital after just delivering him and thinking to myself, We are not done.  I want another.   I just knew we would have a 3rd child, even though I had literally just delivered a…

Let It Go

10 May 2014 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

So a few people have asked me how I am doing in lieu of the fact that I had a massive garage sale last weekend where I sold all of my baby/kid stuff.  That’s right.  I made the decision to let it all go.  Let it go, let it go…don’t hold it back any more…  Sorry, I can’t get the song out of my head.   I decided to take a moment to record my feelings about letting it all go.   How am I doing?  That’s a fantastic question.  The answer really depends on when I am asked.  The majority of the time, I am doing fine.  At times, I have gotten teary-eyed.  At times I have been excited and relieved.  Usually, both sides of the emotions are present at the exact same time, yet somehow I am at peace.   This has been the weirdest journey for me thus far in my 33 years.  On one hand, I am excited about the unknown future that lay ahead.  On the other hand, I am a little sad that God’s plans for my life may look different than the ones I had painted in my head.  Gradually but steadily, I am moving to a place of embracing my family of four with thankfulness and without the longing for more.   The thing is, I really do not know what is going to happen.  It is entirely possible that I will still get pregnant, but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen.  I am moving on, letting it go.   A couple years ago, I never could’ve imagined being where I am right now.  I hoped I would be at a place where I would be okay if God chose to keep us as a family of four, but I could not imagine facing that reality without at least a tinge of sadness.  I just could not picture how it would look.  I trusted that God would get me there if I needed to, but I just could not imagine being okay with not having another child.   It is always hard to imagine yourself completely surrendered about something until God brings you along in that journey and one day you realize what…

Reckless Hope

18 Feb 2014 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

I received an email yesterday, that if legit, has the power to shake things up a bit.  I won’t go into the details just yet, but I will perk your curiosity by saying that it made me cry, made me ponder, and revealed some hidden places in my heart.   In my pondering and wondering, I have discovered that I possess this reckless hope.  Reckless is not usually a positive adjective.  In fact, it might be the opposite of self-control.  Recklessness does not regard its surroundings.  It does not consider the outcome of its actions.  Recklessness blazes forward without thinking it through.  Reckless is the best word I can use to describe this HOPE that I possess.   I have a stubborn hope that refuses to relent, even when I might experience more peace if it did.  If you’ve read any of my blog posts, then you know that I have desired another child for quite some time.  Every month, I hold out this stubborn hope that I will be pregnant, even when all the signs are pointing toward an answer of “No,” for this month.  It does not matter how much I argue with myself, I can not shake this hope.   Having hope, without a fulfillment of that hope, is exhausting.  Therefore, I find myself wanting to know when this journey will conclude.  I want to KNOW what the answers are.  I just want to have matters settled.   I have matured a lot over the last few years of dealing with infertility.  Any anxiety I feel as I wait for answers is no longer because I am holding on to a particular outcome.  Now I feel anxious because I do not KNOW.  I do not know how to move forward and that makes me anxious.  If the outcome is not what I want (I am not pregnant), I really am okay with that.  There is no anxiety there.  The anxiety comes from not knowing.  Once I know, either “yes” or “no,” I am good.  This is true for me in any circumstance.   This email that I received has nothing to do with pregnancy or children, but it has to do with something else that is dear to my heart.  Thus, I…


27 Jan 2014 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Motherhood, Quest for Contentment

I used to think that God was always talking to us and that we just did not always listen.  I do not think I believe that anymore.  I do think he speaks to us – and probably often – but I am growing convinced that he does not speak hastily.  His words are lovingly calculated and timely.  He does not keep yammering at us like a nagging mother until we finally listen.  He is patient to wait until we are willing to listen.   “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).   I can tell when my kids’ hearts are in a place where they are ready to hear what I have to say.  I do not usually share the nuggets of truth that I want to share with them until I know that they are listening.  Sometimes it is a correction, but other times it is just a piece of my heart that I want to share with them.  I usually ask them to turn and look at me so I know they are listening.  Of course, looking me in the eye does not guarantee that they will actually take what I have to say to heart, but at least they are in a better posture to receive.  I trust that if it is not today, then some day soon, they will trust me and receive the life-giving words I have to offer.  That is my hope, anyway, and I will not cease sharing these nuggets of truth with them until I know they have received them.   This morning I realized that I have unknowingly expected God to behave differently than I as a parent.  I have expected him to shout direction at me while I am busy ignoring him or just obliviously plowing through life.  I have wanted him to fix my problems rather than empowering me to fix the problems myself.  In a sense, I have asked God to be the kind of parent to me that I would never want to be for my children.  Interesting.   Certainly, there are the instances where I shout the name of one of my children from clear across the room because,…

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