The Day My Patience Was Hiding

  The fruit of the Spirit is…love, joy, peace, PATIENCE…   Well, I was not real full of the Spirit.  I was full of something else, but it was not the Spirit of God.  Disappointment, frustration, anger, discouragement.  I was full of those things.   I’m sure you can imagine what spilled out of me in word form when I was feeling full of those things.  I didn’t want to be in my home that day and neither did any of my family members.   I concealed those foul emotions deep inside, but what came out of me was a complete lack of patience.  I overheard my daughter yelling at her brother, so of course, I came into the room to yell at her for yelling at her brother.  Not hypocritical, at all.   The 2nd born was banished to the basement (where his room is, lest you think I’m an absolute monster) before he got two words out.  I just couldn’t deal with his energy and incredible talent of riling up ALL his siblings.   The third born just stood and looked at me wide-eyed.  The fourth, is vocal about her opinions, and well, I was vocal about my feelings about her feelings.  I just couldn’t deal.   Everyone was miserable.  I was miserable.  I wanted to have patience, but my unresolved feelings about my circumstances were causing me to lose sight of God and his goodness.  I was living and operating from the world I can see, feel, hear, taste, and touch.  I was not operating above my circumstances, the way God graciously enables us all to do.  I was living in the flesh, not from the Spirit of God that lives in me.   When we surrender to God, he enables us, through his Spirit, to live in a way that honors him and blesses the people around us, regardless of our circumstances.  When we have issues in our hearts that we have not surrendered to God or that we have not allowed him to infuse with his truth, those issues get in the way of us[…]

Waiting, disappointment, hope?

Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over the course of the last month, I thought that dream might actually become a reality.  It was a pipe dream.  I knew that.  I was fully aware of the magnitude of miracles that would need to happen in order for this dream to actually be realized, but I got really close to seeing the dream come true.  I was so close I could taste it.   But in one conversation, I realized that the dream was likely not going to happen.  Just like that, I went from gobs of hope and excitement to a shattered mess wondering how in the world to move forward.   It was not just the disappointment I needed to conquer.  You see, as I pursued my dream, I discovered pieces of information that also affected my here and now.  I discovered that my here and now is actually worse off than I realized.  I wish I could go back to a place of ignorance, but I can’t.  All that is left, is to figure out how to move forward.   So how do YOU move forward after extreme disappointment?  Seriously, I would like to know.   I know we all face disappointments, big and small.  The saying goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  Could it also be said that it is better to have hoped and been disappointed than to have never hoped at all?   A life lived without hope, is a bleak one.  We all need something to hope for.  Years ago, when I was trying to find a domain name that would accurately describe what I wanted this website to be about, I stumbled across “Unwavering Hope.”   Unwavering – “steady, resolute, constant, unrelenting”…just a few of the words used to describe “unwavering.”   Hope – “a feeling of expectation and desire for[…]


“He who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” ~ James 1:6   I recently told you a true story about how God gave me a new horse.  I wrote of how this horse was the answer of a heart’s cry – a cry that could not really be put into words, but my Maker knew the depth of my plea.  He knew that I feared getting a new horse because I had only ever owned one horse.  Being able to feel comfortable around a new horse was a concern for me.  I worried about being able to trust the horse while riding it.  I worried about how it would adjust to the other horse and pony that we had here at home.  Basically, the thought of getting a new horse was a little scary for me and, if I am honest, a bit overwhelming.  The Lord knew all that.   I committed to handing my concerns and feelings of being overwhelmed over to Him, and I was prepared to wait a long time for him to fulfill my desire for a new horse.  Ultimately, I wanted to get a horse when it was HIS time and in HIS way.  (Because I really do believe his ways are higher and better than ours – Isaiah 55:9)  I knew that if I believed God was behind the circumstances surrounding getting a new horse, then my heart would be at peace.  Wrong.   God handed me a free horse that fit the description I had given him.  He did it in a way that seemed so obvious that it was Him.  (Read the story for complete details)  Even though I felt convinced that God was behind Suzy Q coming to our house, I began to doubt.   I had a growing list of “concerns” about keeping Suzy.  Was she really the horse for me?  What if she does not turn out to be the kind of horse I really want?  What if she ends up being lame (sore) most of the time?  What if she[…]

Aching Arms

I had to put my horse down yesterday.   I awoke this morning and looked out back at the horses, and she was not there.  Every morning for the past couple years, I would look out and see her butt sticking out of the shelter.  The other two (horse and pony) would be nuzzled inside and Marcy (my horse), being the last in the pecking order, would only get to stick her head in the shelter.  Today, there was an empty space in that shelter.   Yesterday I had to make the painful decision, on her behalf, and thankfully it was an obvious decision (it was not easy).  Her injured eye had given way, requiring either expensive surgery to remove the eye or the need to put her down.  The vet came out to check the eye one more time to be certain whether or not the eye had a chance.  We had to sedate Marcy for the vet to look her over because it was so painful for Marcy.  The vet confirmed that the eye had ulcerated and the ulcer had burst.  That is when it hit me.  It was time to say goodbye.  Up until that moment of truth, I still held out hope that there might be something we could do to help her heal.  Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do.   We had to wait a while for the sedation to wear off enough to walk Marcy to the place where we would lay her body to rest.  I had to hold her head up while she was sedated in her stall in order to help her stay steady standing up until the sedation wore off.  It was a precious time of hugging and kissing her and saying good bye.  But her head was heavy.  Today my arms literally ache.  But my heart aches more.   For 18 years, I have had the opportunity to see my horse and spend time with her.  Today, I no longer have that opportunity.  When I awoke yesterday, I did not know that it would be the last day[…]

Good Medicine

Today is the last day that I have to give my horse, Marcy, her antibiotic.  I am relieved.  She does NOT like it.  Even though I carefully mix the medicine with applesauce, she does everything she can to spit it back out of her mouth and avoid letting it her mouth to begin with.  Then, she proceeds to not eat anything for an hour or two after I give her the medicine.  She stands there looking pathetic, even drooling as she tries to avoid swallowing the medicine.   Initially this behavior made me worry.  Horses love to eat.  They do not really have a “full” sensor, so they would literally eat themselves to death if you let them.  This is why horse owners have to be careful to keep the grain locked up tight.  If a horse is not eating, it is a sign of a problem.   Marcy endured so much trauma that it was (still is) difficult to determine the extent of the damage.  Having her not eat, added extra concern until I realized that the medicine gave her a bad taste in her mouth.  To her, the medicine is no good, but I know that the medicine is necessary to help her heal.  The medicine is good.   “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).   Throughout this whole ordeal (Marcy getting hurt), I have done a good share of worrying.  I have worried about whether or not I was making the right decision to help her heal, instead of putting her down so she does not have to suffer.  I have worried that her eye will not heal (if her eye does not heal, I will have to put her down).  I have worried that she is not behaving right at times (not eating).  I worried about a lot more things, but I will spare you from the long list.   I did not want to worry, it is what happened if I was not actively fighting against it.  Thankfully, whenever I would become consciously aware that[…]

Welcome to!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

Recent Posts

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      The fruit of the Spirit is…love, joy, peace, PATIENCE…   Well, I was not real full of the Spirit.  I was full of something else, but it was not the Spirit of God. […]
  • Waiting, disappointment, hope?
    Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over […]
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