Aching Arms

I had to put my horse down yesterday.   I awoke this morning and looked out back at the horses, and she was not there.  Every morning for the past couple years, I would look out and see her butt sticking out of the shelter.  The other two (horse and pony) would be nuzzled inside and Marcy (my horse), being the last in the pecking order, would only get to stick her head in the shelter.  Today, there was an empty space in that shelter.   Yesterday I had to make the painful decision, on her behalf, and thankfully it was an obvious decision (it was not easy).  Her injured eye had given way, requiring either expensive surgery to remove the eye or the need to put her down.  The vet came out to check the eye one more time to be certain whether or not the eye had a chance.  We had to sedate Marcy for the vet to look her over because it was so painful for Marcy.  The vet confirmed that the eye had ulcerated and the ulcer had burst.  That is when it hit me.  It was time to say goodbye.  Up until that moment of truth, I still held out hope that there might be something we could do to help her heal.  Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do.   We had to wait a while for the sedation to wear off enough to walk Marcy to the place where we would lay her body to rest.  I had to hold her head up while she was sedated in her stall in order to help her stay steady standing up until the sedation wore off.  It was a precious time of hugging and kissing her and saying good bye.  But her head was heavy.  Today my arms literally ache.  But my heart aches more.   For 18 years, I have had the opportunity to see my horse and spend time with her.  Today, I no longer have that opportunity.  When I awoke yesterday, I did not know that it would be the last day[…]

Good Medicine

Today is the last day that I have to give my horse, Marcy, her antibiotic.  I am relieved.  She does NOT like it.  Even though I carefully mix the medicine with applesauce, she does everything she can to spit it back out of her mouth and avoid letting it her mouth to begin with.  Then, she proceeds to not eat anything for an hour or two after I give her the medicine.  She stands there looking pathetic, even drooling as she tries to avoid swallowing the medicine.   Initially this behavior made me worry.  Horses love to eat.  They do not really have a “full” sensor, so they would literally eat themselves to death if you let them.  This is why horse owners have to be careful to keep the grain locked up tight.  If a horse is not eating, it is a sign of a problem.   Marcy endured so much trauma that it was (still is) difficult to determine the extent of the damage.  Having her not eat, added extra concern until I realized that the medicine gave her a bad taste in her mouth.  To her, the medicine is no good, but I know that the medicine is necessary to help her heal.  The medicine is good.   “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).   Throughout this whole ordeal (Marcy getting hurt), I have done a good share of worrying.  I have worried about whether or not I was making the right decision to help her heal, instead of putting her down so she does not have to suffer.  I have worried that her eye will not heal (if her eye does not heal, I will have to put her down).  I have worried that she is not behaving right at times (not eating).  I worried about a lot more things, but I will spare you from the long list.   I did not want to worry, it is what happened if I was not actively fighting against it.  Thankfully, whenever I would become consciously aware that[…]

Loss of Sight

Last week, my family and I headed out for our annual trip to South Carolina to see my brother and his family.  We were somewhat exhausted beginning our trip as we had a lot of details to be figured out and work to be done before we could be ready to leave our home for 2 weeks.  In typical fashion, we got everything done just in time, and we were looking forward to a little R & R.   We were having a nice visit with family when we received the call on Saturday night that my horse had been severely injured.  As I sat and talked with the vet, I was legitimately worried that my horse would need to be put down.  I was a 13 hour drive from home with a little over a week left of our trip.  I was helpless to do anything other than make phone calls to people who could help in my stead.   We made the decision to come home a week early, driving straight through to get home in one day.  Monday night I was able to see, in person, the extent of the damage.  It was bad.  It was ugly.  It was a little frightening.  My horse (Marcy) was scared.   Marcy had somehow crushed the bone structure that protects and supports her right eye.  Her eye now sits in a different location on her face than it should.  The damage was extensive – the worst injury my vet has seen for a long time.  It was obvious that Marcy could see very little, if anything, out of her right eye.  She would startle if I touched her from her right side because she could not see me coming.  It broke my heart.   I was exhausted from worrying and crying.  I had to repack to come home before we had even settled in on vacation.  I was worn out from traveling all day with two kids.  I was disappointed that we had to leave our vacation way too early and miss out on the extra time spent with my[…]


The God of the Harvest strikes again!  The first spring after we moved into our “Promised Land,” I bought two small, precious raspberry bushes to plant.  I could not wait for them to grow and spread so we could enjoy their fruit every year.  I imagined picking berries with my kids and maybe even making jam one day.   As I planted the bushes, I prayed that God would help them grow abundantly.  Yes, I prayed over my new bushes.  I believe God desires to bless us and I know he is the only one who can make things grow (1 Corinthians 3:7).  I planted my bushes and faithfully watered them, but moles decided that the freshly tilled soil was a good place to hang out and they killed my precious bushes.   I was disappointed.  My well thought plans did not work out.  I figured I would try again, but I was fearful of wasting more money on bushes, only to have them die again.  Then the end of June came…   We discovered that the entire west side of our property was lined with raspberry bushes.  LINED with them!  I’m telling you, the entire side of our property is lush with black raspberry bushes.  And there is a large patch of RED raspberry bushes, too!   I have to imagine that as I sat and prayed over my store-bought raspberry bushes with hopeful expectation, the God of the Universe was hearing my prayer and smiling.  He knew that my plans would not succeed, but he had every intention to fulfill the desire of my heart.   “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps” (Proverbs 16:9).   Last weekend, I came face to face with the reality that the course Todd and I planned would not lead us to the fulfillment of our desire.  We were on our last month of trying to get pregnant using fertility treatments.  We had reached the end of the road, yet our efforts had not produced a pregnancy as we had hoped.  I was disappointed.   I[…]

Worst Weekend

In my book, Hope Deferred, I talk about the worst weekend of my life.  This past weekend has now claimed the title by a long shot.  It was devastating, emotional, unbearably wrong, confusing, and horrible…  I could go on and on about the wrongness of what I experienced alongside a dear friend this weekend.  I am sorry to peak your curiosity when I do not plan to go into the details just yet.  There may be a day when I am able to blog about this experience, but I want to honor the family that this involves, and I honestly do not know if I could come up with any words.  I WILL tell you that it involves excruciating loss.   As a result of the weekend, what I feel compelled to blog about today (probably so I can root these truths deeper into my heart) is the goodness of God.  When all of life feels unbearably awful and difficult, the ability to see the goodness of God is a treasure and a gift.  It is a treasure because you must search long and hard for it, and it is a gift because there is a God in heaven who promises to work all things for good (Romans 8:28).   Call it a silver lining or the bright side, but if you look hard enough, you can see some good in the awful – tiny glimpses of peace amidst the raging storm.  What I witnessed this weekend was the subtle, yet fiercely loving hand of God.  I truly believe that God is weeping with this family, and he is working in any way he can to ease their pain.   Many (myself included) would ask, “Why didn’t God do something to stop or prevent their pain?”   In times of great trial, doubts of the goodness of God rise like waves in a storm.  The doubts loom overhead or in the distance, threatening to crash down and drown us.   When faced with unanswered questions, my anchor is found in returning to what I DO know rather than giving too[…]

Welcome to!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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