Barren Trees

I saw the most beautiful sight tonight as the sun was setting.  Clouds darkened the sky in the east, opposite the setting sun.  Trees lined my view to the south and the sun was just kissing the tops of the trees.  It was absolutely beautiful.  The colors were so dynamic and such a stark contrast.  I could almost see the dark clouds fleeing in fear of the brilliance on the tops of the trees.  (I wish I would have taken a picture.  The picture above is a sunrise.)   It got me wondering if I had ever looked at a barren tree and thought it was beautiful.  Typically, a barren tree is not in its glory – it is more a symbol of death than life.  The Spring brings a completely different story, but as long as it is Winter and no leaves are on the tree, the tree looks barren, empty.  But tonight I looked at several barren trees and was struck by their beauty.   Perhaps it is obvious to you the connection God made for me tonight.  When light shines on anything, it brings out beauty.  Sometimes the darkness that we have had to weather actually makes the beauty that much more brilliant when the light shines because we notice the contrast.   The very nature and principle of light is that is drives away darkness.  Darkness simply can not remain when light is present.  Darkness by definition is actually the absence of light.  It implies that light is not present.   “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12).   Darkness is present in our world, but we do not have to walk around in the thick of it.  Jesus is the Light of the world.  Invite him to be present with you.  He will not come unless invited.  He will stand at the door and knock (Rev. 3:20) because He so desperately wants to drive away the darkness for you. […]

The Potter

  “Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?”  ~Romans 9:21   My daughter, Alliyah, had been talking to me for weeks about her “pinch pot” that she was making in art class.  She would update me on what they were working on and when it would be ready to bring home.  They worked on this creation over the course of a month.  Two weeks ago, she announced, “Today is the day we get to bring our pinch pots home!”  I was a little sad because I thought it was so blasted cute every time she said, “pinch pot.”  At the same time, I was excited to see this beloved pinch pot.   When she brought it home, I had to suppress a smile because it was not anything like I expected.  I had gone to the same elementary school that she currently attends and I remember making a dish out of clay in art class.  The one I made was about 5 inches in diameter and was made out of clay.  I had shaped it into a heart and I think my mom still uses it to this day for paperclips and spare change.  I do not remember what grade I was in when I made it.  I might have been a lot older (after seeing Alliyah’s, I’m sure I was a bit older).  This was the image I had in my head, so when she showed me her tiny little pinch pot that looked like a bowl that had been shrunk by the laser ray from “Honey, I shrunk the kids,” I really had a hard time not laughing.  It looked tiny in her already petite hand.  It was kind of spongy, not hard like clay, and It was slightly bigger than a tea light candle.   And the thing is, she was SO proud of her pot and SO excited to show it to me.  She did not necessarily think about the functionality, she was thinking about the creation. […]

Tightrope Walking

**this post is from february 18, 2013**   This past week, I feel as though I have been walking a tightrope.  I have a stick (God) to help me balance, but there are two bags tied to my rope – one at each end.  Weighing down one end of the stick is “hope” and the other end is “trust.”  If one of them weighs heavier, I am in real danger of falling.   I learned this week that my body is starting to gear up for menopause at an early age.  My husband and I still want at least one more child (we have been trying for 2.5 years), so this news knocked me off balance a little bit.  Okay, a lot bit.  Suddenly, I was confronted with thoughts I had not allowed to enter before:  Will I have a 3rd child?  What if our family is complete at 4?  I had never given these thoughts any real space in my mind and allowing them to enter brought a wave of sorrow.  I felt as if I was being forced to confront a reality that was not what I desired.  The first two days after receiving the word, I teetered back and forth between hoping for a 3rd child and feeling like I had been told, “It won’t happen.”  I was not sure where I should land or, more importantly, where God wanted me to land.   I had loving friends, whom I trust, present both sides of the debate.  One would counsel, “You need to be okay if God says, ‘No.’”  Another would counsel, “Why would God say, ‘No,’ when it is clearly his heart that you bring forth life?”  I can tell you which friend I wanted to listen to, but I was fearful of disappointment down the road if I chose that side.  I was afraid to hope and cling to what I have studied and learned over the past 5 or so years because I did not want to risk facing disappointment.   If there is anything we can learn from life, it is to not do anything[…]

The Recent Journey…(from December)

**This post is from december 2012**   This morning I woke up at 3:44 am.  I never wake up in the middle of the night.  I usually wake up some time after 6 or slightly before.  As I lay there in bed, I had the feeling that I was starting my period.  I finally got out of bed to empty my bladder and discovered that sure enough I needed to soak my underwear.  I never start my period in the middle of the night.  I think I did once when I was 17.  This was most devastating because I really wanted to be pregnant.  We started a new fertility medicine this month, and I was very hopeful that we would finally be pregnant again.  What a great Christmas present that would have been, right?   After taking care of business, I lay in bed for an hour tossing and turning with sleep evading me.  I had a horrible headache and equivalent cramps.  As I lay there, a few lines from the song “Your Love Never Fails” kept rolling through my mind.  “There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning…your love never fails.”  I lay there somewhat numb.  I knew the Lord was probably speaking to me, but I didn’t really want to hear.  The lines kept repeating.  For an hour.  You would think I’d take a hint.  About a half hour into the attempted comfort from the Holy Spirit, God added, “When the oceans rage, I don’t have to be afraid.”   Finally I got up, recognizing that I wasn’t going to sleep and I was miserable (on more than one level).  The intelligent person would heed God’s hints and make the choice to spend time with him.  I moved to the couch and pulled out the iPad.  I played games for about an hour, soaking in the depression.  Around 5:30, I finally decided to eat something so I could take some ibuprofen.  I returned to the couch and picked up my “Thankfulness” journal.  I knew I needed to spend time with God, but I[…]


I have been wrestling lately with the idea of “FAVOR.”  Why does it seem like some people have more of God’s favor than others?  How does God decide where to pour out his favor?   I really do not think I am alone as I have gazed at what others have and wondered why God seemingly poured his favor on them and not me.  I am not proud of my sometimes jealous gaze.  I also know that when I give way to jealousy, it is because my understanding of God’s favor needs tweaking.   We are told that people like Abel, Noah, Joseph and Samuel had the Lord’s Favor.  God had special plans for these people.  They are kind of well-known in history.  Other’s wrestled with God or begged God for his favor like Jacob and Moses.  God had special plans for these people, too.  They are kind-of well-known, too.  What about you and me?  What is our story regarding God’s favor?   When it comes to desiring circumstances in life to change, we all know what it looks like to seek the Lord’s favor – to beg for his favor (like Jacob and Moses).  As we wait for his favor to be poured out, we notice those around us who seem to have His favor.  We notice the pregnant people, or the ones with the nice-paying jobs or nice homes or the ones that seem happily married.  We notice our circumstances.   That is the problem.  When we notice our circumstances, we have taken our eyes off the One we so desperately want favor from.   If you google “favor,” the definition that comes up is, “An attitude of approval or liking.”   If a person has a lot of material things, does that mean that God approves of them more or likes them more?  Sometimes it feels like this is true, but if we sit for even a moment to consider this thought, our thinking quickly disintegrates.  What about the 1/2 of the world’s population that lives on less than $2/day?  What about the 1/4 of the world’s[…]

Welcome to!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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