Hidden and Impact

Why is hide and seek such a fun game?  The familiar adrenaline rush comes back when I watch one of my kids scamper off to find a hiding place while the other counts.  I remember the thrill of trying to find a good place to hide.  As a kid, I was short (okay, I still am).  This meant that I could hide in some pretty tight places where people would not think to look (the clothes hamper, on a shelf in a cabinet, etc.).  I once hid on a top shelf in a closet behind some blankets.  I tried really hard to not be found.   Today I wonder if much has changed.  As I go through my day, I think I really just want to hide.  I want to remain anonymous.  I want to go un-noticed and fly under the radar.  As I’ve given it some thought, I don’t think this is an introvert thing or a shyness thing.  I think this is an avoidance thing.   Am I alone here?  Does anyone else want to get through the grocery store without seeing anyone they know – not because you haven’t showered today (which is often the case for me) – but because you just don’t want to deal with anything else?  I have my tasks, my to-do list, and I do not want anything to interrupt that.  Sometimes I feel I am struggling to keep my head above water, so I don’t want anything new added to the mix.   Some of us thrive on attention more than others, but all of us have our moments when we just want to retreat into our shell and hide out for a while.  Some times it is too exhausting to be seen.  By “seen” I don’t just mean being around people and being noticed.  I mean really being “seen” – the real you – the you that is under the mask you put out there for all to see.   I have been wrestling with one aspect of the real me underneath.  I am going to let you “see” me[…]

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Quiet

I used to think that God was always talking to us and that we just did not always listen.  I do not think I believe that anymore.  I do think he speaks to us – and probably often – but I am growing convinced that he does not speak hastily.  His words are lovingly calculated and timely.  He does not keep yammering at us like a nagging mother until we finally listen.  He is patient to wait until we are willing to listen.   “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).   I can tell when my kids’ hearts are in a place where they are ready to hear what I have to say.  I do not usually share the nuggets of truth that I want to share with them until I know that they are listening.  Sometimes it is a correction, but other times it is just a piece of my heart that I want to share with them.  I usually ask them to turn and look at me so I know they are listening.  Of course, looking me in the eye does not guarantee that they will actually take what I have to say to heart, but at least they are in a better posture to receive.  I trust that if it is not today, then some day soon, they will trust me and receive the life-giving words I have to offer.  That is my hope, anyway, and I will not cease sharing these nuggets of truth with them until I know they have received them.   This morning I realized that I have unknowingly expected God to behave differently than I as a parent.  I have expected him to shout direction at me while I am busy ignoring him or just obliviously plowing through life.  I have wanted him to fix my problems rather than empowering me to fix the problems myself.  In a sense, I have asked God to be the kind of parent to me that I would never want to be for[…]

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Under the Sun

Under the Sun

The midwest has been inundated with snow this winter.  We have received a fresh falling of 12 inches over the last two days at our house.  Facebook is filled with comments (and a lot of complaints) because this winter varies greatly from the mild winters we have had over the past couple years.  This winter, however, is more reminiscent of the ones I can remember as a child.  I used to start a snow fort at the beginning of winter and it would be a work-in-progress for the couple months until spring.  This is the first winter that my kids and I have been able to re-create my childhood in that regard.  Every other winter has had too many warm spells where all the snow has melted.  This winter has been nice and cold and full of snow.  I love it.   Don’t get me wrong.  I love the spring, summer, and fall as well.  Fall is actually my favorite.  I just really love the seasons.  Each season has its own treasures as well as its difficulties and less-than-desirable qualities, but I want to choose to focus on the treasures.   “There is a time and a season for everything under the sun (or under the heavens)” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).   I have been doing a lot of pondering lately about why I am here.  What is the point of it all?  What is life really about?  You know, the light-hearted stuff.   I am in a strange season.  I have often wondered if what I am experiencing is a mid-life crisis kind of thing.  I am not sure what a mid-life crisis is supposed to look like, but usually people talk of doing something drastic, to add something new and crazy or different.  I have had a strong desire to get a new pet lately.  Weird, I know.  Thankfully, I am too logically-minded to go get one without seriously considering the weight of that decision and responsibility.  In other words, we won’t be getting a new pet any time soon.   I feel way too young to be having a[…]

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One is Pregnant, the Other is Not.

If you have a loved one who is currently dealing with infertility, telling them you are pregnant can be a dreaded conversation.  As one who has been on the receiving end of that dreadful conversation too many times to count, I have come up with a list of tips for navigating friendship when one party is dealing with infertility and the other is pregnant or has children.   To make things easier as we navigate this list of tips, I am going to refer to the person who is struggling/has struggled with infertility as the TTC (short for: Trying To Conceive).  If you are the TTC, you may want to share this list of tips with your friends.  I would also welcome any feedback or revisions if I have missed something.   1. Don’t make the TTC the last to know.  Inevitably, there is trepidation about telling them, so it tends to be put off until you can wait for the “right time.”  Fact:  There is no “right” time to tell the TTC that you are pregnant.  No matter how much they love you and may be happy for you, they will struggle.  Don’t add insult to injury by making them the last to know.   2. Do let them know that you know how hard it is for them.  Give the TTC the space to struggle.  Reassure them that you know they are excited for you and their struggle has nothing to do with wanting your happiness.  Acknowledge that you know that their struggle has everything to do with their own deep longing.  Basically, let them struggle but let them know that you trust their heart toward you is good.   3. Don’t avoid them for the next 9 months.  Infertility is a lonely, isolating journey.  The TTC needs their friends’ support.  Yes, being around you may be tough for them because your growing belly is a reminder to them of their unmet desire.  However, having you not around is even worse than the struggle they may have in your remindful presence.   4. Do continue to ask questions[…]

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How Are You Today?

I have one of those magnets on my refrigerator that says, “How are you feeling today?” It’s the one with all the difference smiley faces, each showing a unique emotion.  It usually comes with a little circle magnet, allowing you to claim an emotion for the day.  I don’t know what it is about naming how I am feeling, but whenever I circle the picture that most accurately reflects how I am doing, I walk away a little more satisfied.   Today I would need a lot of circle-shaped magnets to answer the question, How are you feeling today?     Let’s see…   Hopeful.   Scared.   Confused.   Hungry.   Lost.   Helpless.   Numb.   Deaf.   Although I could only come up with one positive descriptive word, I am actually not doing bad.  By the same token, I am not sure I would say I am doing well, either.  I just kinda am.  Not good, not bad, just ____.  I can not come up with a good all-encompassing word for it.   I feel like I am waiting to be told what comes next.  I do not have any plans.  In fact, I often wonder if I should be making some plans.  In the next year and a half, I may need to figure out if I am going to go back to work.  My youngest will be in school.  Will there still be a need for me to stay home?  Could we even swing it financially for me to stay home?  Not likely.  If I do go back to work, what in the world would I do?   I did not want to be here, yet.  I do not want to think about what is next.  I am not ready to be done having children.  I do not crave the next stage.  I crave the one I am in, the one that is quickly slipping away.   I saw a post by Jen Hatmaker being passed around Facebook.  The post was about soaking in the moments with your kids while they are small and next[…]

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Welcome to unwaveringhope.com!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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