RESOLVE, no resolution

An end and a beginning…   RESOLVE (from dictionary.com):   Noun:  A firm determination to do something. Verb:  1.  To settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter)             2.  To decide firmly on a course of action.   I have never really gotten into making New Year’s resolutions.  They stress me out a little.  I have tried to make resolutions, but I usually fail within the first week, if not the first couple days.  This is probably because the days leading up to January 1st are usually crammed full of indulging in whatever it is I plan to give up or change.  As I anticipate the day that the changes are supposed to start, I want to soak in the moments where I am allowed to eat all the sweets I want, be as lazy as I want, or avoid responsibility altogether.   I indulge with an imitation freedom.  I tell myself something like, “This will be changing in 2 days, so live it up now.”  It feels a little freeing in the moment.  For a short period of time, I allow myself to have no boundaries or restrictions.   I run forward in arm-stretched-wide freedom, refusing to acknowledge that I am really running deeper into a cage and further from freedom.   God gave us rules.  He called them laws and he calls them love.  God gave us boundaries to protect us, not cage us.  Yet the temptation is to sit within His loving boundaries and gaze beyond the fence.  Satan puts up these beautiful mirages, trying to lure us out of the boundaries.  The longer we stare at the mirage, an untruth begins to weave itself into our hearts, slowly convincing us that we are currently in a cage, that freedom lies in giving in to our desires, instead of saying “no” for the 100th time today.   When we are told “no” or tell ourselves “no,” but keep gazing toward the thing we can not have, the chains of whatever sin we battle have not been fully broken. […]

Please follow and like us:
Facebook
Facebook
RSS
Google+
http://unwaveringhope.com/2013/12/31/resolve-no-resolution/

Live and Learn

I had hopes and expectations for this Christmas season.  I started Christmas shopping and preparing my house way earlier than normal.  My plan was to be all done with Christmas preparation by December 1st.  (I know.  What was I thinking?  I dream big.)  Well, it is December 16th, and I still have several loose ends to tie up.  I am not ready.  Grrrrr…   I had these lofty plans because I really wanted to have the clarity of mind and free schedule to look for opportunities to help others.  I did not want to get caught up in the American-craziness that has become Christmas.  I wanted to reflect on what this season is all about, and I wanted to put my actions where my heart is.   I have felt like an epic failure because it is the week before Christmas and I am still struggling to get everything done.  I have been so caught up in the material preparation that I have not been able to look for ways to help others.   Then in comes the quiet voice.  You have done both.   I had to ponder that one for a moment.  I haven’t paused to ask God where he wants me and my family to help others, so how have I done both, God?   I have been too busy.  I had a picture in my head of what it would look like to put my actions where my heart is this season.  I thought maybe I would drive around with my kids all bundled up and we would stop at a driveway that needs shoveling.  Maybe I would hear of a need and be able to anonymously drop something off to that person.  Those were the sorts of pictures in my head.  I was hoping to look off my radar for a special opportunity.   Instead, the opportunities that have presented themselves have been on my radar, and thus, they went unnoticed until God opened my eyes.   My uncle Ron is in Ann Arbor because he has a genetic mutation from something he was exposed[…]

Please follow and like us:
Facebook
Facebook
RSS
Google+
http://unwaveringhope.com/2013/12/16/live-and-learn/
Serenity

Serenity

A little fact you may not know about me:  I enjoy looking for pictures of things that look like letters and putting them together to form a word (Alphabet Art, a.k.a Word Art).  I was in the basement a couple days ago putting together a Word Art order of the word “Serenity,” and I thought, how ironic.  My inner being was in major turmoil and I was staring at the word “serenity” for about 30 minutes.   It took the greater part of that 30 minutes before the irony hit, but once it did, I began giving my heart and thoughts, in all their pathetic misery, over to the Lord.   This month has been the most emotionally trying month I have had in a while when it comes to wrestling the pregnancy/infertility issue.  Maybe the end of the year approaching is causing reflection.  Maybe the challenge has come from trying to write our yearly Christmas letter.  In last year’s letter I had hoped to be able to announce a new member of our family this year.   There is no glaring external reason that warrants this as a tougher month, therefore, I think the issue is internal.  I am pretty sure that I have been wallowing in the muck of self-pity because I have let one or two unhelpful thoughts hang around for too long.  Thoughts like Am I going to get pregnant again? and Why has this been a part of our journey? have knocked on the door of my heart, and I have let them in.   Gradually and subtly, more of these hopeless questions and thoughts came to stay, and I found myself just plain sad.  I was sad over the fact that I may never hold another baby of my own.  I was sad over the fact that I have to continue on in the unknown, knowing that I am barraged by these faithless thoughts on a daily basis.   Maybe I was weary of the battle, and thus, I let a couple crappy thoughts through and those thoughts set up a little barricade in[…]

Please follow and like us:
Facebook
Facebook
RSS
Google+
http://unwaveringhope.com/2013/12/02/serenity/

Looking Forward

I asked the Lord this morning, “How can I put into words how I have been feeling?”  I felt drawn to the computer to wrestle it out.  Here is the product of that time.   There are a lot of things I used to look forward to as a kid.  I used to look forward to my birthday.  I used to look forward to Christmas.  I used to look forward to a new school year starting.  I used to look forward to horse shows.  I used to look forward to when I was older and could experience for myself what I saw others experiencing:  to be able to drive, to finally have a boyfriend, to go to college, to get married, to have a child…   I used to look forward a lot.   We use the term “look forward to” as a term of anticipation.  When we are excited about something that has not yet happened, we say, “I am looking forward to _____”   I find that I do not have as many of those “I’m looking forward to” moments anymore.  Things like birthdays and Christmas change as you get older.  I still miss what Christmas (and my birthday for that matter) used to mean for me before becoming a believer.  I really looked forward to the gifts and the special moments spent with my mom.  I looked forward to the feeling of being loved and special that came from receiving gifts.  I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, but now that I know and believe that Christmas is really about Jesus, that is a little disappointing.  I do not look forward to celebrating Christmas as much as I did before I began a journey with Jesus.  Doesn’t that seem backwards?  Shouldn’t I look forward to Christmas MORE now that I know why the holiday really exists?   Yes, I think I should.  And I do look forward to Christmas for all the right reasons far more than I ever did.  Christmas used to be just about the material stuff.  Now I clearly see that Christmas is really[…]

Please follow and like us:
Facebook
Facebook
RSS
Google+
http://unwaveringhope.com/2013/11/18/looking-forward/

God as Dad?

I have been doing some contemplating lately about what it means to have God as a Father.  My earthly father lived a 2.5-4.5 hour airplane ride away for 31 of the 33 years of my life, so trying to imagine what it is like to have a father around and involved on a day-to-day basis is challenging.  Having never experienced the everyday relationship with a father makes it tough to wrap my mind around what a father even is.  As a result, imagining God as a Father is much tougher.   When I was pregnant with my daughter, Alliyah, my husband and I went to see a movie.  When we were leaving that movie, I had an overwhelming impression in my heart and mind (some people, myself included, would call this God speaking to them).  What God said was, “I am going to show you what a father/daughter relationship looks like through Todd and Alliyah.”  I was dissolved to tears when God spoke these words to me 8 years ago.  It was a promise that God gave me.  He promised to fill in the holes where my understanding was lacking.  He gave me this promise, but the promise lay dormant for many years because I forgot to take notice.  I forgot to watch and take note of Todd being a dad.   I have done some talking to God lately about my struggle to understand him as Father.  God responded by using a conversation with a friend to remind me of the words that He spoke 8 years ago.  God encouraged me to start watching Todd as a dad.   I thought I would share some of my observations:  (Consequently, these are observations about God as our Father in Heaven)   He teaches us and helps us to become like Him. (From watching Todd pretend shave Joshua’s face)   “This is what the Lord says – your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go’” (Isaiah 48:17).   He[…]

Please follow and like us:
Facebook
Facebook
RSS
Google+
http://unwaveringhope.com/2013/11/12/god-as-dad/

Welcome to unwaveringhope.com!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

Recent Posts

  • The Day My Patience Was Hiding
      The fruit of the Spirit is…love, joy, peace, PATIENCE…   Well, I was not real full of the Spirit.  I was full of something else, but it was not the Spirit of God. […]
  • Waiting, disappointment, hope?
    Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over […]
  • Fresh Beginnings
    Hello! It has been a long time since I ventured into the blogosphere – 2.5 years if we are being specific.  I got distracted.  I lost the vision.  I wasn’t sure I saw the purpose any […]
  • Do What You Want To
    Suspicious yellow puddle next to the toilet.   Toilet leaking or another culprit?   My mom instinct says to call my second born into the bathroom to ask his take on how that yellow liquid […]
  • I Hate Death
                                                                                    Yesterday we had to say good-bye to our beloved kitty of almost 13 years.  I had the undesirable task of taking her to […]
  • Anonymous
    Confession:  I have been avoiding you.  Please don’t take this personally.  I haven’t been avoiding YOU.  I have been avoiding the collective you – all.  I have not blogged for a very long […]
  • Robbers
    A couple weeks ago, I was sitting with Joshua (my 5 year old) in one of the hallways of Alliyah’s school, waiting for Alliyah to be done with an after school meeting.  Joshua observed a mom getting […]
Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial