“The” Talk

“Mommy…I really want Suzy (our new horse) to have a baby.”   Me:  “Maybe next year.”   Alliyah:  “Next year?”  (says with a hopeful tone)   Me:  “Well, she won’t have a baby next year, but maybe we will breed her next year.”   Alliyah:  “What’s breed?”   Me:  “To make her get pregnant.”   Alliyah:  “How do we make her get pregnant?”   Me:  (Stifling a smile)  “Well, we have to find her a boy horse.”   Alliyah:  “Huh?”  (completely puzzled look on her face)   I am not joking.  That was the exact conversation I had with Alliyah a little over a week ago.  I was no longer successful at hiding my smile once she got that puzzled look on her face and said, “huh?”  I tried to change the subject and walk out of the room claiming it was bedtime.  I sat down at the computer to quickly type out our little interaction because I knew it would serve as a great illustration some day.  I had the first word typed and she came up to me.   “Mommy?  Why do we need a boy horse to have a baby?”   Me:  (smiling pretty big with a huge belly laugh waiting to escape)  “How about I tell you later.”   …then feeling like I did not want her to think there was some great secret, I threw in, “That’s just the way God made it.  You need a boy and a girl to make a baby.”   As she’s walking out of the room, she says, “That just does not make sense.”  (holding one finger in the air on her right hand and one on her left, then brings them together.)  “A boy (right finger) and a girl (left finger) don’t make a baby.”   Obviously, she is missing a middle piece there.  The “S” word.  If she knew about sex, the dots would have connected a little easier.   As a parent, I do not think you are ever really ready to have “the” talk with your kid.  It usually comes up completely out of the[…]

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Doubt

“He who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” ~ James 1:6   I recently told you a true story about how God gave me a new horse.  I wrote of how this horse was the answer of a heart’s cry – a cry that could not really be put into words, but my Maker knew the depth of my plea.  He knew that I feared getting a new horse because I had only ever owned one horse.  Being able to feel comfortable around a new horse was a concern for me.  I worried about being able to trust the horse while riding it.  I worried about how it would adjust to the other horse and pony that we had here at home.  Basically, the thought of getting a new horse was a little scary for me and, if I am honest, a bit overwhelming.  The Lord knew all that.   I committed to handing my concerns and feelings of being overwhelmed over to Him, and I was prepared to wait a long time for him to fulfill my desire for a new horse.  Ultimately, I wanted to get a horse when it was HIS time and in HIS way.  (Because I really do believe his ways are higher and better than ours – Isaiah 55:9)  I knew that if I believed God was behind the circumstances surrounding getting a new horse, then my heart would be at peace.  Wrong.   God handed me a free horse that fit the description I had given him.  He did it in a way that seemed so obvious that it was Him.  (Read the story for complete details)  Even though I felt convinced that God was behind Suzy Q coming to our house, I began to doubt.   I had a growing list of “concerns” about keeping Suzy.  Was she really the horse for me?  What if she does not turn out to be the kind of horse I really want?  What if she ends up being lame (sore) most of the time?  What if she[…]

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Perfeck

Sound spelling (encouraging kids to have the freedom to write words without worrying if they are spelled correctly) is a beautiful thing.  It gives you insight into how a kid hears words that are spoken.  A couple weeks ago, I came across a piece of artwork that my daughter was working on and it made me smile instantly.  I think you can see the irony with me. Misspelling the word “perfect” is a lot like misspelling the word “Failure.”  It is living proof that perfection has been alluded.  Want to know a secret?  I am okay with that.  I am okay with not being perfect.  I try my hardest to do things well, but at the end of the day, I am okay with not being the best as long as I felt good about my effort.  Do I want to be perfect?  Depends.  It depends on whose standard of perfection.   So I took a personality test online to see if I am a “type A” person.  This is the personality type that is known for perfectionism.  I have had several people over the years assume that I have a type A personality, and it has always bothered me because I do not think of myself as a type A person.  I wondered why people thought that.  I literally googled “What is a type A personality?” just before writing this blog because I thought maybe I had the wrong definition in my mind.  My search confirmed that I am not a type A person, and the test confirmed it, too.   However, apparently I must give off the impression that I am someone I am not.  I even had one friend argue with me about it.  She made a statement about how I have a type A personality, and I stopped her and said, “What?  You think I have a type A personality?”  Her response was, “Oh yeah.  Of course.”  I was incredulous.  She started listing things like, “Don’t you have to be organized?”  Me:  “No…I would like to be, but have you seen my house?”  Her:  “Like your[…]

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Hope Fulfilled

Do I have a story for you…   If you have kept up with my blog, you know that I had to put my beloved horse down about a month ago after 18 years of a special friendship.  My family and I were on vacation when my horse was injured.  We had to come home early from our vacation in order to tend to her wounds.   Before we left for our trip, I had a fleeting thought:  What if Marcy would have to be put down while we are gone?  Marcy was perfectly healthy before we left.  I had no reason to think she might have to be put down, but the thought entered my head.  I considered it for a moment – only long enough to go back and give her another kiss before leaving – but not long enough to put any real stock in the possibility that the end of her days might be sooner than later.   On vacation, when I got the call that Marcy had been injured, my heart sank.  As I talked with the vet (who was assessing the damage on Marcy and communicating the extent of it to me), I had that sinking feeling that I would have to put her down.  The vet assured me that I did not have to make any kind of decision about it, yet.  She was going to do what she could to patch her up.   On the long drive home from South Carolina, I did my fair share of crying as I considered the very sobering reality that I might not have my horse much longer.  Somewhere deep down, I had begun mourning.  Deep in my heart, I knew the most likely outcome, even though I hoped my heart was wrong.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I could not have said definitively that God was preparing me to say goodbye at the time, but as I look back, I can clearly see the gentle, loving hand of God preparing me for a very tough reality.   The next two weeks brought a roller-coaster of emotions[…]

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Hope Happens

Yesterday, I found myself saying the phrase, “I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”  After the words left my mouth, I thought about the ridiculousness of that phrase.  I am trying not to get my hopes up?  Can you really do that?  Can you actually prevent your hopes from soaring?  When signs are pointing toward to fulfillment of a desire, can you actually stop yourself from getting hopeful?  I really do not think so.  Hope happens.   When I said that phrase, here’s what I think I was trying to say, “I am super hopeful that this will work out, but I am trying to keep my thoughts and heart in check.”  In other words, I do not want to put the cart before the horse.  I want to be prepared if what I hope for does not happen.   What I now find myself sitting and wondering is:  is this biblical?  Is being prepared for disappointment in alignment with the heart of God?   God calls us to be people who have faith.  God defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).   It appears that God encourages us to have our hopes up.  Have confidence.  Have assurance that what you do not currently have will be yours.  The important question is:  Is He encouraging confidence and assurance about _______ ?  (Fill in the blank with whatever current desire you have)   People often say to one another, “You just have to have faith-” implying that if you want something bad enough, you can almost wish it into being.  The problem with this line of thinking is that it encourages us to have faith in a specific outcome rather than encouraging us to have faith in the One who holds all of our outcomes in the palm of his hand.   Like all of the verses in the Bible, we can not take this one verse and isolate it and mold it to fit our thinking.  We can not hold tightly to a desire and say, “I[…]

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Welcome to unwaveringhope.com!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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