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Let It Go

10 May 2014 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

So a few people have asked me how I am doing in lieu of the fact that I had a massive garage sale last weekend where I sold all of my baby/kid stuff.  That’s right.  I made the decision to let it all go.  Let it go, let it go…don’t hold it back any more…  Sorry, I can’t get the song out of my head.   I decided to take a moment to record my feelings about letting it all go.   How am I doing?  That’s a fantastic question.  The answer really depends on when I am asked.  The majority of the time, I am doing fine.  At times, I have gotten teary-eyed.  At times I have been excited and relieved.  Usually, both sides of the emotions are present at the exact same time, yet somehow I am at peace.   This has been the weirdest journey for me thus far in my 33 years.  On one hand, I am excited about the unknown future that lay ahead.  On the other hand, I am a little sad that God’s plans for my life may look different than the ones I had painted in my head.  Gradually but steadily, I am moving to a place of embracing my family of four with thankfulness and without the longing for more.   The thing is, I really do not know what is going to happen.  It is entirely possible that I will still get pregnant, but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen.  I am moving on, letting it go.   A couple years ago, I never could’ve imagined being where I am right now.  I hoped I would be at a place where I would be okay if God chose to keep us as a family of four, but I could not imagine facing that reality without at least a tinge of sadness.  I just could not picture how it would look.  I trusted that God would get me there if I needed to, but I just could not imagine being okay with not having another child.   It is always hard to imagine yourself completely surrendered about something until God brings you along in that journey and one day you realize what…

Why Blog?

13 Mar 2013 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Drawing Near to God, friendship

I have been extremely resistant to the idea of blogging.  I am not sure I can even communicate why, but here is what I have come up with:   I have been fearful of blogging because I am keenly aware of my short-comings.  I have never considered myself very witty, sarcastic, or full of charisma.  Nor have I considered myself a good story-teller.  I’m the one that shares too many details or gets side-tracked in the telling the story that the point of the story suddenly does not seem as interesting.  The personality and winsomeness that I perceive as I read other people’s words intimidates me.  I think they are so great.  I really like them – even if I have never met them.  This is not a self-esteem problem, it is just an honest assessment of how I perceive things.  I genuinely like myself – I just would not describe myself the way I picture the people whose words I enjoy reading.  So I have wondered if my words will be helpful to others.   Then there is the fear that I will be judged, or I will say something that offends.  In written words, it is not always easy to understand a person’s heart behind what they write.  I fear that my heart will not be evident and that people will perceive my words as empty or shallow or lacking love.  Fear.   If there is anything I have learned in life, it is that fear should never be a driving force or a stopping force.   The thing about the internet is that it affords us the chance to “interact” with people we do not even know and who do not know us.  If you do not know me in real life, then you are unaware that I did not grow up going to church.  I was oblivious about the stories in the Bible until I was in college.  You also do not know that when I come to a conclusion on something, I believe it with every fiber of my being – even if it is just the simple truths that those who grew up in a christian home have somehow “just always believed.”  I do not throw out pieces of…

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