Palm Sunday

  Confession:  I sometimes have a hard time getting in to celebrating religious holidays.  I did not grow up going to church very often, so terms like advent, passover, and palm Sunday had little to no meaning.  I celebrated Christmas and Easter, but with Santa and the Easter Bunny.   Now that I am learning to love God with all my heart, Christmas and Easter have such a richer, deeper meaning, but I still have a hard time celebrating them.   I think it feels a little insincere to make such a big deal of Jesus coming to earth only at Christmas or reflecting on what Jesus did on the cross only at Easter.  I want God to know how important I think it is that Jesus died for me every day of the year, not just on the anniversary of what he did.   But then I realize that my thinking is flawed.  If this same principle was applied across the board, I would need to stop celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day, etc.   Here’s what I mean:   I love to celebrate birthdays.  I want the person to feel loved and valued and special every day of the year, but I think everyone should have one day a year that they feel extra special.  I doubt anyone who has received an extravagant celebration feels it was insincere, unless they do not feel loved and valued on the other 364 days of the year.   At the risk of being completely obvious, I will just say it:  If Easter is the only time of year that we reflect on what Jesus did, then we ARE being insincere.  If, however, on the other 364 days of the year we affirm what we celebrate on that ONE day of the year, then the extra celebration serves to more deeply root our love and commitment.   So I have concluded that it is good, and completely genuine, to take a day a year to go above and beyond in our thankfulness and adoration.  Just like in preparing for a birthday, some advanced[…]

Tightrope Walking

**this post is from february 18, 2013**   This past week, I feel as though I have been walking a tightrope.  I have a stick (God) to help me balance, but there are two bags tied to my rope – one at each end.  Weighing down one end of the stick is “hope” and the other end is “trust.”  If one of them weighs heavier, I am in real danger of falling.   I learned this week that my body is starting to gear up for menopause at an early age.  My husband and I still want at least one more child (we have been trying for 2.5 years), so this news knocked me off balance a little bit.  Okay, a lot bit.  Suddenly, I was confronted with thoughts I had not allowed to enter before:  Will I have a 3rd child?  What if our family is complete at 4?  I had never given these thoughts any real space in my mind and allowing them to enter brought a wave of sorrow.  I felt as if I was being forced to confront a reality that was not what I desired.  The first two days after receiving the word, I teetered back and forth between hoping for a 3rd child and feeling like I had been told, “It won’t happen.”  I was not sure where I should land or, more importantly, where God wanted me to land.   I had loving friends, whom I trust, present both sides of the debate.  One would counsel, “You need to be okay if God says, ‘No.’”  Another would counsel, “Why would God say, ‘No,’ when it is clearly his heart that you bring forth life?”  I can tell you which friend I wanted to listen to, but I was fearful of disappointment down the road if I chose that side.  I was afraid to hope and cling to what I have studied and learned over the past 5 or so years because I did not want to risk facing disappointment.   If there is anything we can learn from life, it is to not do anything[…]

Welcome to!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

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