Waiting, disappointment, hope?

Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over the course of the last month, I thought that dream might actually become a reality.  It was a pipe dream.  I knew that.  I was fully aware of the magnitude of miracles that would need to happen in order for this dream to actually be realized, but I got really close to seeing the dream come true.  I was so close I could taste it.   But in one conversation, I realized that the dream was likely not going to happen.  Just like that, I went from gobs of hope and excitement to a shattered mess wondering how in the world to move forward.   It was not just the disappointment I needed to conquer.  You see, as I pursued my dream, I discovered pieces of information that also affected my here and now.  I discovered that my here and now is actually worse off than I realized.  I wish I could go back to a place of ignorance, but I can’t.  All that is left, is to figure out how to move forward.   So how do YOU move forward after extreme disappointment?  Seriously, I would like to know.   I know we all face disappointments, big and small.  The saying goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  Could it also be said that it is better to have hoped and been disappointed than to have never hoped at all?   A life lived without hope, is a bleak one.  We all need something to hope for.  Years ago, when I was trying to find a domain name that would accurately describe what I wanted this website to be about, I stumbled across “Unwavering Hope.”   Unwavering – “steady, resolute, constant, unrelenting”…just a few of the words used to describe “unwavering.”   Hope – “a feeling of expectation and desire for[…]

Reckless Hope

I received an email yesterday, that if legit, has the power to shake things up a bit.  I won’t go into the details just yet, but I will perk your curiosity by saying that it made me cry, made me ponder, and revealed some hidden places in my heart.   In my pondering and wondering, I have discovered that I possess this reckless hope.  Reckless is not usually a positive adjective.  In fact, it might be the opposite of self-control.  Recklessness does not regard its surroundings.  It does not consider the outcome of its actions.  Recklessness blazes forward without thinking it through.  Reckless is the best word I can use to describe this HOPE that I possess.   I have a stubborn hope that refuses to relent, even when I might experience more peace if it did.  If you’ve read any of my blog posts, then you know that I have desired another child for quite some time.  Every month, I hold out this stubborn hope that I will be pregnant, even when all the signs are pointing toward an answer of “No,” for this month.  It does not matter how much I argue with myself, I can not shake this hope.   Having hope, without a fulfillment of that hope, is exhausting.  Therefore, I find myself wanting to know when this journey will conclude.  I want to KNOW what the answers are.  I just want to have matters settled.   I have matured a lot over the last few years of dealing with infertility.  Any anxiety I feel as I wait for answers is no longer because I am holding on to a particular outcome.  Now I feel anxious because I do not KNOW.  I do not know how to move forward and that makes me anxious.  If the outcome is not what I want (I am not pregnant), I really am okay with that.  There is no anxiety there.  The anxiety comes from not knowing.  Once I know, either “yes” or “no,” I am good.  This is true for me in any circumstance.   This email that I[…]

Hope Happens

Yesterday, I found myself saying the phrase, “I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”  After the words left my mouth, I thought about the ridiculousness of that phrase.  I am trying not to get my hopes up?  Can you really do that?  Can you actually prevent your hopes from soaring?  When signs are pointing toward to fulfillment of a desire, can you actually stop yourself from getting hopeful?  I really do not think so.  Hope happens.   When I said that phrase, here’s what I think I was trying to say, “I am super hopeful that this will work out, but I am trying to keep my thoughts and heart in check.”  In other words, I do not want to put the cart before the horse.  I want to be prepared if what I hope for does not happen.   What I now find myself sitting and wondering is:  is this biblical?  Is being prepared for disappointment in alignment with the heart of God?   God calls us to be people who have faith.  God defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).   It appears that God encourages us to have our hopes up.  Have confidence.  Have assurance that what you do not currently have will be yours.  The important question is:  Is He encouraging confidence and assurance about _______ ?  (Fill in the blank with whatever current desire you have)   People often say to one another, “You just have to have faith-” implying that if you want something bad enough, you can almost wish it into being.  The problem with this line of thinking is that it encourages us to have faith in a specific outcome rather than encouraging us to have faith in the One who holds all of our outcomes in the palm of his hand.   Like all of the verses in the Bible, we can not take this one verse and isolate it and mold it to fit our thinking.  We can not hold tightly to a desire and say, “I[…]

Good Sport

I blogged a couple days ago about feeling like there are 3 paths presented to me (regarding infertility).  The path marked IVF feels blocked off, so I haven’t been giving that path much thought.  Originally, I thought the other two paths were:  “Continuing fertility treatment” and “Not continuing treatment.”  Now I think that all three paths can boil down to these two options:  “Pursue pregnancy” and “Don’t pursue pregnancy.”   I have had a couple different unsettling conversations over the past couple months.  The troubling part of the conversations centered around a message that all the interactions shared:  “You need to be okay if you only ever have a family of 4.”  I fully trust the hearts of the people that have said this.  They want my freedom.  They want me to be able to live each day without the burden of an unfulfilled desire.  And their advice seems like the right solution, but I left each conversation discouraged because the question of “How?” remained unanswered.  How do I live each day being okay if my desire is not fulfilled?  How do I surrender this desire for a child?  I have tried.  I have asked God to take away my desire.   Ultimately, only God knows whether or not our family will grow through a pregnancy in my womb.  I could pursue pregnancy and never have it happen, or I could stop pursing pregnancy and it could happen.  So how in the heck do I move forward?   I do believe that pursuing pregnancy is in alignment with the heart of God.  But how do I pursue pregnancy and still have a surrendered heart?  How do I pursue something and simultaneously be okay with it not happening?  If I was okay with a different outcome from what I was pursuing, wouldn’t I stop pursuing?   Think of an athlete.  The athlete gives their best effort toward winning, but sometimes victory is not the outcome they receive.  (Ask any Michigan basketball player or fan)  Somehow they learn to live with the outcome, but they do not start to live with the[…]

Welcome to unwaveringhope.com!  I am so glad you are here. This space was created when my life story was not following the path I expected.  For years, infertility was the main topic of my wrestle.  These days, I find myself sorting through the mental chaos of mothering, wife-ing, friend-ing, teacher-ing, daughter-ing and what-is-my-life-purpose-ing.  As I try to steady my thoughts and park them in a healthy place, God has made one thing clear:  maintaining hope in Him is the key. Check out my blog for a window into my story.

Recent Posts

  • The Day My Patience Was Hiding
      The fruit of the Spirit is…love, joy, peace, PATIENCE…   Well, I was not real full of the Spirit.  I was full of something else, but it was not the Spirit of God. […]
  • Waiting, disappointment, hope?
    Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over […]
  • Fresh Beginnings
    Hello! It has been a long time since I ventured into the blogosphere – 2.5 years if we are being specific.  I got distracted.  I lost the vision.  I wasn’t sure I saw the purpose any […]
  • Do What You Want To
    Suspicious yellow puddle next to the toilet.   Toilet leaking or another culprit?   My mom instinct says to call my second born into the bathroom to ask his take on how that yellow liquid […]
  • I Hate Death
                                                                                    Yesterday we had to say good-bye to our beloved kitty of almost 13 years.  I had the undesirable task of taking her to […]
  • Anonymous
    Confession:  I have been avoiding you.  Please don’t take this personally.  I haven’t been avoiding YOU.  I have been avoiding the collective you – all.  I have not blogged for a very long […]
  • Robbers
    A couple weeks ago, I was sitting with Joshua (my 5 year old) in one of the hallways of Alliyah’s school, waiting for Alliyah to be done with an after school meeting.  Joshua observed a mom getting […]
Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial