infertility Tag

 

Let It Go

10 May 2014 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

So a few people have asked me how I am doing in lieu of the fact that I had a massive garage sale last weekend where I sold all of my baby/kid stuff.  That’s right.  I made the decision to let it all go.  Let it go, let it go…don’t hold it back any more…  Sorry, I can’t get the song out of my head.   I decided to take a moment to record my feelings about letting it all go.   How am I doing?  That’s a fantastic question.  The answer really depends on when I am asked.  The majority of the time, I am doing fine.  At times, I have gotten teary-eyed.  At times I have been excited and relieved.  Usually, both sides of the emotions are present at the exact same time, yet somehow I am at peace.   This has been the weirdest journey for me thus far in my 33 years.  On one hand, I am excited about the unknown future that lay ahead.  On the other hand, I am a little sad that God’s plans for my life may look different than the ones I had painted in my head.  Gradually but steadily, I am moving to a place of embracing my family of four with thankfulness and without the longing for more.   The thing is, I really do not know what is going to happen.  It is entirely possible that I will still get pregnant, but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen.  I am moving on, letting it go.   A couple years ago, I never could’ve imagined being where I am right now.  I hoped I would be at a place where I would be okay if God chose to keep us as a family of four, but I could not imagine facing that reality without at least a tinge of sadness.  I just could not picture how it would look.  I trusted that God would get me there if I needed to, but I just could not imagine being okay with not having another child.   It is always hard to imagine yourself completely surrendered about something until God brings you along in that journey and one day you realize what…

Looking Forward

18 Nov 2013 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

I asked the Lord this morning, “How can I put into words how I have been feeling?”  I felt drawn to the computer to wrestle it out.  Here is the product of that time.   There are a lot of things I used to look forward to as a kid.  I used to look forward to my birthday.  I used to look forward to Christmas.  I used to look forward to a new school year starting.  I used to look forward to horse shows.  I used to look forward to when I was older and could experience for myself what I saw others experiencing:  to be able to drive, to finally have a boyfriend, to go to college, to get married, to have a child…   I used to look forward a lot.   We use the term “look forward to” as a term of anticipation.  When we are excited about something that has not yet happened, we say, “I am looking forward to _____”   I find that I do not have as many of those “I’m looking forward to” moments anymore.  Things like birthdays and Christmas change as you get older.  I still miss what Christmas (and my birthday for that matter) used to mean for me before becoming a believer.  I really looked forward to the gifts and the special moments spent with my mom.  I looked forward to the feeling of being loved and special that came from receiving gifts.  I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, but now that I know and believe that Christmas is really about Jesus, that is a little disappointing.  I do not look forward to celebrating Christmas as much as I did before I began a journey with Jesus.  Doesn’t that seem backwards?  Shouldn’t I look forward to Christmas MORE now that I know why the holiday really exists?   Yes, I think I should.  And I do look forward to Christmas for all the right reasons far more than I ever did.  Christmas used to be just about the material stuff.  Now I clearly see that Christmas is really about the spiritual stuff.  I have many years of defining Christmas a certain way, and now I can no longer define (or look forward to)…

8 Seconds of Being Like Jesus

07 Nov 2013 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, friendship, Infertility

Is it possible to act like Jesus without becoming like him?  Can we behave well, but not have the substance behind it?  I think so.  I think I’ve done it for a long time.  I know the right things to say and do, but my heart is not always in the right place when I say or do them.  Am I alone here?   If the point of walking this planet is to become more and more like Jesus, how does that actually happen?  We can study Jesus’ life and try to model our lives around him and ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?”  But even if we start acting like Jesus, does that mean we are really becoming like him?   Have you ever noticed that the more you hang out with a friend, the more alike you become?  You tend to gesture similarly or laugh similarly and even think similarly.  I have caught myself laughing with a friend and been struck by how similar our laughs sound.  But then I might take note of my laugh with a different friend, and it sounds a little different.  Or maybe we pick up on little phrases that a friend says, and they stick with us.  We tend to become more and more like the ones we spend time with.   God even warned us about who we choose to spend time with:  “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Cor. 15:33).   Becoming more like Jesus can only happen by spending more time with Him, by being in relationship with him.  I can do and say things the way Jesus would, but what if I am like a Pharisee?  What if the outside looks good while the inside is rotting and decaying? (Matthew 23:27).   I can say to my pregnant friend, “I am so happy for you,” because that’s what Jesus would say.  But do I mean it?   A couple weeks ago, I had a friend announce she was pregnant and my first reaction (outwardly) was extreme excitement.  I jumped off the couch and hugged her (and I’m not a huggy person).  That first 20 seconds of reaction time was pure excitement on her behalf.  Okay, maybe it was more like 8 seconds.  I…

Deep

10 Oct 2013 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Drawing Near to God, Motherhood, Quest for Contentment

(I wrote this on paper 3 weeks ago, but did not get a chance to type it out) I am sitting here ready to board an airplane.  My husband and kids are at home.  I am traveling solo, so I have a little “quiet” time, and I am reflecting on this verse:   “Yet I am always with you; You hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And the earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:23-26).   I am not afraid of flying.  I am pretty sure I have boarded an airplane every year (sometimes several times a year) since 1980.  Let’s just say, I have been on a lot of airplanes.   Now that I am a wife and a mom, if I fly without my husband and kids, flying feels a lot more vulnerable than it did as a kid.  I am still not afraid of flying, but I have found a tiny fear of dying, and for some irrational reason, getting on an airplane feels like walking into a potentially life-threatening scenario.  It is completely irrational.  I know that.  I know that the statistics point to the fact that I have a greater likelihood of dying in a car crash than an airplane crash.  I do not think about dying every time I get in a car – probably because I do that more often.  Let’s just call the fear irrational and move on.  This blog post really is not about flying, it is about dying.   Due to the fact that I am traveling alone and I soon have to get some tests done to see if I might have to battle the scary “C” word (cancer), I have been doing a lot of pondering about how I feel toward God if “all the days ordained for me (that were) written in his book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139), were a smaller amount of days than I think or would like.   Aside from the normal…

Hope Happens

17 Aug 2013 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Drawing Near to God, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

Yesterday, I found myself saying the phrase, “I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”  After the words left my mouth, I thought about the ridiculousness of that phrase.  I am trying not to get my hopes up?  Can you really do that?  Can you actually prevent your hopes from soaring?  When signs are pointing toward to fulfillment of a desire, can you actually stop yourself from getting hopeful?  I really do not think so.  Hope happens.   When I said that phrase, here’s what I think I was trying to say, “I am super hopeful that this will work out, but I am trying to keep my thoughts and heart in check.”  In other words, I do not want to put the cart before the horse.  I want to be prepared if what I hope for does not happen.   What I now find myself sitting and wondering is:  is this biblical?  Is being prepared for disappointment in alignment with the heart of God?   God calls us to be people who have faith.  God defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).   It appears that God encourages us to have our hopes up.  Have confidence.  Have assurance that what you do not currently have will be yours.  The important question is:  Is He encouraging confidence and assurance about _______ ?  (Fill in the blank with whatever current desire you have)   People often say to one another, “You just have to have faith-” implying that if you want something bad enough, you can almost wish it into being.  The problem with this line of thinking is that it encourages us to have faith in a specific outcome rather than encouraging us to have faith in the One who holds all of our outcomes in the palm of his hand.   Like all of the verses in the Bible, we can not take this one verse and isolate it and mold it to fit our thinking.  We can not hold tightly to a desire and say, “I just have to have enough faith.”  We were meant to have our thinking molded by God’s Words, not the other way around.   “Do not…

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