let it go Tag

 

Let It Go

10 May 2014 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

So a few people have asked me how I am doing in lieu of the fact that I had a massive garage sale last weekend where I sold all of my baby/kid stuff.  That’s right.  I made the decision to let it all go.  Let it go, let it go…don’t hold it back any more…  Sorry, I can’t get the song out of my head.   I decided to take a moment to record my feelings about letting it all go.   How am I doing?  That’s a fantastic question.  The answer really depends on when I am asked.  The majority of the time, I am doing fine.  At times, I have gotten teary-eyed.  At times I have been excited and relieved.  Usually, both sides of the emotions are present at the exact same time, yet somehow I am at peace.   This has been the weirdest journey for me thus far in my 33 years.  On one hand, I am excited about the unknown future that lay ahead.  On the other hand, I am a little sad that God’s plans for my life may look different than the ones I had painted in my head.  Gradually but steadily, I am moving to a place of embracing my family of four with thankfulness and without the longing for more.   The thing is, I really do not know what is going to happen.  It is entirely possible that I will still get pregnant, but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen.  I am moving on, letting it go.   A couple years ago, I never could’ve imagined being where I am right now.  I hoped I would be at a place where I would be okay if God chose to keep us as a family of four, but I could not imagine facing that reality without at least a tinge of sadness.  I just could not picture how it would look.  I trusted that God would get me there if I needed to, but I just could not imagine being okay with not having another child.   It is always hard to imagine yourself completely surrendered about something until God brings you along in that journey and one day you realize what…

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