trust Tag

 

Waiting, disappointment, hope?

17 Apr 2018 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Drawing Near to God, Infertility, Quest for Contentment, Trust

Hello there,   This week I did a lot of waiting.  I did a lot of hoping.  In the end, I’m left dealing with disappointment.   You see, I have had a dream ever since I was 13.  Over the course of the last month, I thought that dream might actually become a reality.  It was a pipe dream.  I knew that.  I was fully aware of the magnitude of miracles that would need to happen in order for this dream to actually be realized, but I got really close to seeing the dream come true.  I was so close I could taste it.   But in one conversation, I realized that the dream was likely not going to happen.  Just like that, I went from gobs of hope and excitement to a shattered mess wondering how in the world to move forward.   It was not just the disappointment I needed to conquer.  You see, as I pursued my dream, I discovered pieces of information that also affected my here and now.  I discovered that my here and now is actually worse off than I realized.  I wish I could go back to a place of ignorance, but I can’t.  All that is left, is to figure out how to move forward.   So how do YOU move forward after extreme disappointment?  Seriously, I would like to know.   I know we all face disappointments, big and small.  The saying goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  Could it also be said that it is better to have hoped and been disappointed than to have never hoped at all?   A life lived without hope, is a bleak one.  We all need something to hope for.  Years ago, when I was trying to find a domain name that would accurately describe what I wanted this website to be about, I stumbled across “Unwavering Hope.”   Unwavering – “steady, resolute, constant, unrelenting”…just a few of the words used to describe “unwavering.”   Hope – “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.”   Also:  “a feeling of trust.”   I believe the key to successfully navigating this crazy life with all its…

Loveless Obedience

17 Mar 2014 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Motherhood, Quest for Contentment

  “Do not touch things that do not belong to you.”  I feel like a broken record with my son.  He has far too much curiosity to remember the 500 times I have told him to not touch things that are not his.  The other day, he was playing with one of grandma’s figurines, and it broke.  Of course.  I told him not to touch it/play with it, but he could not resist.  The result was:  something that had value to someone else was broken.  Disobedience usually results in someone getting hurt.   It is hard for Joshua to learn this lesson because it does not hurt him when he breaks something that belongs to someone else.  It does not hurt him when he frustrates his sister by playing with her things.  The only “pain” he feels is the consequences that I impose on him, in order to help the message stick.  I give him a consequence because I want his heart to care.   The whole point of consequences is to turn the heart back on course.  The problem is, kids can learn to obey, mainly to avoid a consequence, but it does not mean that their heart has actually changed.  Do I want Joshua to learn to obey in order to avoid a negative consequence, or do I just want him to learn to respect other people’s things?  Obviously I want the latter.   In order to achieve a change of heart, the heart needs to be addressed and engaged.  When Joshua broke grandma’s glass elephant, his heart was touched when I explained how sad that would make grandma.  He suddenly felt awful and wished he had obeyed.  He learned the hard way, and unfortunately, someone else had to get hurt as well before the lesson began to sink in.  (Thankfully he is learning these lessons when the “hurt” is relatively minor)   We are God’s children and the obedience he calls us to plays by the same rules.  Our heart must be engaged in order for the obedience to have great value.   Lately, I feel like I have been doing just about everything because I “should.”  I should keep up with the house work.  I should spend some time with God. …

Reckless Hope

18 Feb 2014 Posted by Jillian in Becoming More Like Jesus, Blog, Infertility, Quest for Contentment

I received an email yesterday, that if legit, has the power to shake things up a bit.  I won’t go into the details just yet, but I will perk your curiosity by saying that it made me cry, made me ponder, and revealed some hidden places in my heart.   In my pondering and wondering, I have discovered that I possess this reckless hope.  Reckless is not usually a positive adjective.  In fact, it might be the opposite of self-control.  Recklessness does not regard its surroundings.  It does not consider the outcome of its actions.  Recklessness blazes forward without thinking it through.  Reckless is the best word I can use to describe this HOPE that I possess.   I have a stubborn hope that refuses to relent, even when I might experience more peace if it did.  If you’ve read any of my blog posts, then you know that I have desired another child for quite some time.  Every month, I hold out this stubborn hope that I will be pregnant, even when all the signs are pointing toward an answer of “No,” for this month.  It does not matter how much I argue with myself, I can not shake this hope.   Having hope, without a fulfillment of that hope, is exhausting.  Therefore, I find myself wanting to know when this journey will conclude.  I want to KNOW what the answers are.  I just want to have matters settled.   I have matured a lot over the last few years of dealing with infertility.  Any anxiety I feel as I wait for answers is no longer because I am holding on to a particular outcome.  Now I feel anxious because I do not KNOW.  I do not know how to move forward and that makes me anxious.  If the outcome is not what I want (I am not pregnant), I really am okay with that.  There is no anxiety there.  The anxiety comes from not knowing.  Once I know, either “yes” or “no,” I am good.  This is true for me in any circumstance.   This email that I received has nothing to do with pregnancy or children, but it has to do with something else that is dear to my heart.  Thus, I…

Serenity

02 Dec 2013 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Infertility

A little fact you may not know about me:  I enjoy looking for pictures of things that look like letters and putting them together to form a word (Alphabet Art, a.k.a Word Art).  I was in the basement a couple days ago putting together a Word Art order of the word “Serenity,” and I thought, how ironic.  My inner being was in major turmoil and I was staring at the word “serenity” for about 30 minutes.   It took the greater part of that 30 minutes before the irony hit, but once it did, I began giving my heart and thoughts, in all their pathetic misery, over to the Lord.   This month has been the most emotionally trying month I have had in a while when it comes to wrestling the pregnancy/infertility issue.  Maybe the end of the year approaching is causing reflection.  Maybe the challenge has come from trying to write our yearly Christmas letter.  In last year’s letter I had hoped to be able to announce a new member of our family this year.   There is no glaring external reason that warrants this as a tougher month, therefore, I think the issue is internal.  I am pretty sure that I have been wallowing in the muck of self-pity because I have let one or two unhelpful thoughts hang around for too long.  Thoughts like Am I going to get pregnant again? and Why has this been a part of our journey? have knocked on the door of my heart, and I have let them in.   Gradually and subtly, more of these hopeless questions and thoughts came to stay, and I found myself just plain sad.  I was sad over the fact that I may never hold another baby of my own.  I was sad over the fact that I have to continue on in the unknown, knowing that I am barraged by these faithless thoughts on a daily basis.   Maybe I was weary of the battle, and thus, I let a couple crappy thoughts through and those thoughts set up a little barricade in my heart, hoping to overturn the whole army of goodness the Lord has set up in the camp of my heart.  Thankfully, my General always…

Deep

10 Oct 2013 Posted by Jillian in Blog, Drawing Near to God, Motherhood, Quest for Contentment

(I wrote this on paper 3 weeks ago, but did not get a chance to type it out) I am sitting here ready to board an airplane.  My husband and kids are at home.  I am traveling solo, so I have a little “quiet” time, and I am reflecting on this verse:   “Yet I am always with you; You hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And the earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:23-26).   I am not afraid of flying.  I am pretty sure I have boarded an airplane every year (sometimes several times a year) since 1980.  Let’s just say, I have been on a lot of airplanes.   Now that I am a wife and a mom, if I fly without my husband and kids, flying feels a lot more vulnerable than it did as a kid.  I am still not afraid of flying, but I have found a tiny fear of dying, and for some irrational reason, getting on an airplane feels like walking into a potentially life-threatening scenario.  It is completely irrational.  I know that.  I know that the statistics point to the fact that I have a greater likelihood of dying in a car crash than an airplane crash.  I do not think about dying every time I get in a car – probably because I do that more often.  Let’s just call the fear irrational and move on.  This blog post really is not about flying, it is about dying.   Due to the fact that I am traveling alone and I soon have to get some tests done to see if I might have to battle the scary “C” word (cancer), I have been doing a lot of pondering about how I feel toward God if “all the days ordained for me (that were) written in his book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139), were a smaller amount of days than I think or would like.   Aside from the normal…

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